Become knowledgeable about antiques, oriental rugs, and contemporary art.
That way, when people see you eating out of a dumpster, you can slay them with irony.
When at a traffic signal, hold in your stomach for the length of the red light. This strengthens stomach muscles.
Don’t worry. The honking of the people behind you will revive you when you pass out.
For emergencies, place matches, candles, and flashlights in several rooms of your home.
Because, as the old saying tells us, “Batten down the hatches; Zombies hate the matches.”
Occasionally be silly, but never with money.
Only be silly when you’re broke.
Life is a term paper. Don’t wait until the last minute to get started.
Or, as Tom Cochrane put it:
“Life is a term paper…
I wanna write it all night long.”
Take good care of today. It’s the tomorrow you longed for yesterday.
Unless you’re a time-traveller. In that case, WHY DID KENNEDY STILL GET SHOT?!
Read a biography on Albert Schweitzer.
On his stomach, if he’s lying down. On the top of his head, if he’s seated. Definitely not on his lap. That’s creepy.
Ask someone to pick up your mail and daily paper when you’re out of town. Those are the first two things potential burglars look for.
Because there’s nothing thieves covet more than the Tribune and Lands’ End catalogs.
Once in a while pick up an unfamiliar magazine, thumb through it, and read the “letter from the editor.”
In other words, start living!
A snake will bite you even if you buy it ice cream.
Because HOW’S IT SUPPOSED TO HOLD THE CONE, YOU IDIOT?!
No matter how many times you’ve been around the barn, there’s a chance you’ll step in something today that wasn’t there yesterday.
We’re talking about sex here, right?
Don’t allow your children under the age of eighteen to drive a car after midnight.
Or it will turn into a pumpkin.
We all want to prove how right we are. Sometimes it’s better to prove how much we care.
Care about being right, that is.
Never double-cross someone who knows your secrets.
Unless you’re prepared to fake your own death, like the guy in “Dave.” Or Elvis.