Make a list of twenty people who would be sad to know that you died. Call them at least twice a year.
That way, they’ll be no more than 6 months late to your funeral.
Skip to the last page when reading a book you find unbearably boring.
(…)
December 31
This next year donate extra time and resources to a cause you believe in.
Buy three or four super-luxurious towels. They are an inexpensive indulgence.
And they can soak up a lot of blood. Win / win.
When renting a car for a couple of days, choose a model and make you've admired but never driven.
And by “car” I mean “escort”.
The impossible happens often enough to keep us hopeful. The improbable happens often enough to keep us trying.
The impassable happens often enough to keep us eating prunes.
Never take more than you need.
And while you're at it, enjoy backpacking across Europe, you free-loving, marijuana-using, Earth shoe-wearing, commie-sympathizing hippy. We'll be over here in America eating steaks and taking showers EVERY DAY.
Avoid being sarcastic or rude in an e-mail or voicemail message. They can be endlessly retrieved and replayed.
Although endlessly replaying sarcastic, rude remarks seems to have worked well for Two and a Half Men.
Never tell a singer he reminds you of someone else who’s more successful.
It’s much better to tell him he reminds you of someone who’s a failure.
Should good fortune visit you, never ask why.
Should Wheel of Fortune visit you, never ask for a vowel.
Never book an interior cabin on a cruse ship.
Because they don’t have windows, and, without windows, how are you going to get rid of all the rats every morning?
Resist using the words “Why do you always…” when discussing a relationship problem.
Because it’s much more linguistically efficient to say, “I hate it when you…”
When asking a question, ask confidently.
Are you sure about that?
(Computer explodes.)
Be prudent in your promises and prompt in carrying them out.
“I promise to post a joke for this calendar entry right now!” – Ed Pierce, November 12, 2008
Beware of a conversation where “to be perfectly honest†or “quite frankly†is used by someone struggling to make a point.
Because that means that he’s about to admit to being the murderer, and he’ll likely pull a gun on you, which, you’ll admit, you did not see coming.