Li’l Cal

Don’t be discouraged. Remember, to begin anything is usually to begin it badly.

Also remember: the Man, he ain’t so hard to understand.

Watch the clock, and you’ll always be just one of the hands.

Which must mean you’re looking in a mirror. And that the hands have eyes. And what about your hands – where are they? SOMEONE WAKE ME FROM THIS DALI-DESIGNED DREAM SEQUENCE!

When someone’s down, don’t pile on.

And when someone’s wearing down, don’t nylon.

Once a month visit an “Open House” in an area upscale to your own.

Because it’s so much fun seeing stuff you can never, ever have. Monthly.

Begin a collection of books with the word “wisdom” in the title.

Like “X-Men: Wisdom – Rudiments of Wisdom,” “Food Drying Techniques: Storey Country Wisdom Bulletin A-197,” and “Operative Extraction of Wisdom Teeth.”

Ask someone to pick up your mail and daily paper when you’re out of town. Those are the first two things potential burglars look for.

There’s nothing thieves covet more than the Tribune and Lands’ End catalogs.

Inspire an emerging local artist by buying a piece of his work.

The lower right corner is usually the best piece; you know, where his signature is.

Position a ladder properly. It’s time well spent.

Just ask Blutarsky.

Name a dog Hot Ticket.

Especially if it’s not your dog.

Leave a deserving server a ten-dollar tip. Hand it to her personally.

If your deserving server is male, punch him in the stomach and tell him to get a man’s job.

Encourage a good student to become a teacher.

So that the bad students can get all the really good jobs. You’re welcome.

Test-drive a Saturn SKY convertible.

You might like it so much, you’ll buy the company!

Walk down the street where your grandparents grew up.

And it will be exactly the same as it was then. Really. Try it.

Discover the vastness of America by driving across Kansas.

Because Kansans are really fat.