Archive for the ‘Love & Marriage’ Category

November 14

April 1st, 2013 Comments off

Resist using the words “Why do you always…” when discussing a relationship problem.

Because it’s much more linguistically efficient to say, “I hate it when you…”

October 15

April 3rd, 2011 Comments off

No matter how many times you’ve been around the barn, there’s a chance you’ll step in something today that wasn’t there yesterday.

We’re talking about sex here, right?

September 30

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.

The other eight are:

  • searching through Facebook for old girlfreinds
  • wittily answering Johnny Carson’s questions
  • writing entries in your revenge journal
  • celebrating Thanksgiving
  • planning investment strategies for your future lottery winnings
  • spellchecking your Craigslist response
  • celebrating your birthday
  • Wii Fit

September 11

June 30th, 2010 Comments off

Position a ladder properly. It’s time well spent.

Just ask Blutarsky.

September 3

June 21st, 2010 Comments off

Honor family traditions.

Unless they involve kazoos.

August 31

June 8th, 2010 Comments off

At a family reunion, be the one who takes the most photographs.

Off the walls, out of albums, from the refrigerator door, it doesn’t matter – JUST TAKE THEM! WE’RE SICK OF LOOKING AT THEM!

August 28

June 8th, 2010 Comments off

Choose a different flavor of ice cream each time you restock.

Just like Tiger Woods does.

August 11

January 12th, 2010 Comments off

A successful marriage is built on six words:
Be kind.
Be forgiving.
Be true.

A successful divorce is built on four words:
And I have photos.

August 5

December 28th, 2009 Comments off

Remember, when you have an argument with someone you love, you can always get in the last word by being the first to say, “I’m sorry.”

Unless, it’s an argument about how you always say, “I’m sorry.” Which it should be.

August 1

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Never leave early from a wedding, funeral, or an appreciation dinner.

Or you’ll miss the good stuff. And I’m talking about booze.

July 28

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Tonight, put a chocolate mint on your loved one’s pillow.

Tomorrow, lovingly cut it out of her hair.

July 21

December 21st, 2009 Comments off

Conscience is that little voice in your head that says, “Floss your teeth.”

“… or your blonde wife will see that brunette hair stuck in there, Tiger.”

July 20

December 21st, 2009 Comments off

Never expect to know everything with the certainty you did at age sixteen.

So, if your neighbor’s sixteen year-old daughter says it’s okay to sext her, believe her — she knows!

June 27

October 13th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t build a new home or remodel an old one by long distance. Like a marriage, this demands daily involvement every step of the way.

And change up the times you show up each day. That way, if your contractor’s cheating on you, and they all do, you can catch the lying whore in the act! That’s right! No good cheaters — ALL OF THEM!