Resist using the words “Why do you always…” when discussing a relationship problem.
Because it’s much more linguistically efficient to say, “I hate it when you…”
No matter how many times you’ve been around the barn, there’s a chance you’ll step in something today that wasn’t there yesterday.
We’re talking about sex here, right?
There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.
The other eight are:
Position a ladder properly. It’s time well spent.
Just ask Blutarsky.
Honor family traditions.
Unless they involve kazoos.
At a family reunion, be the one who takes the most photographs.
Off the walls, out of albums, from the refrigerator door, it doesn’t matter – JUST TAKE THEM! WE’RE SICK OF LOOKING AT THEM!
Choose a different flavor of ice cream each time you restock.
Just like Tiger Woods does.
A successful marriage is built on six words:
Be kind.
Be forgiving.
Be true.
A successful divorce is built on four words:
And I have photos.
Remember, when you have an argument with someone you love, you can always get in the last word by being the first to say, “I’m sorry.”
Unless, it’s an argument about how you always say, “I’m sorry.” Which it should be.
Never leave early from a wedding, funeral, or an appreciation dinner.
Or you’ll miss the good stuff. And I’m talking about booze.
Tonight, put a chocolate mint on your loved one’s pillow.
Tomorrow, lovingly cut it out of her hair.
Conscience is that little voice in your head that says, “Floss your teeth.”
“… or your blonde wife will see that brunette hair stuck in there, Tiger.”
Never expect to know everything with the certainty you did at age sixteen.
So, if your neighbor’s sixteen year-old daughter says it’s okay to sext her, believe her — she knows!
Don’t build a new home or remodel an old one by long distance. Like a marriage, this demands daily involvement every step of the way.
And change up the times you show up each day. That way, if your contractor’s cheating on you, and they all do, you can catch the lying whore in the act! That’s right! No good cheaters — ALL OF THEM!