Archive

Archive for the ‘Love & Marriage’ Category

June 13

August 3rd, 2009 Comments off

Don’t take seriously anything a woman says when in labor, or what a politician says when before a microphone.

However, grammarians note that what a woman politician in labor before a microphone says should always be taken seriously, due to the double negative. As Nancy Pelosi knows all too well.

June 11

August 1st, 2009 Comments off

Marry the right person. It’s life’s only shortcut to happiness.

“Now you tell me!”   – Larry King

June 9

July 30th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t choose a doctor who smokes or needs to be on a diet.

Because when you’re naked, who wants a smelly fat guy looking them over?

Wait.

Don’t tell that one to my wife.

June 7

July 29th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t expect to play on Saturday if you haven’t practiced during the week.

Funny; my wife tells me the same thing.

June 6

July 29th, 2009 Comments off

When someone answers, “I don’t care,” ask more questions, because she really does.

You know she really cares. So ask and ask and ask and keep asking! Disrupt her sleep patterns. Show her the waterboard. Do whatever it takes to find out the truth!

(Remember, it isn’t “torture” if you get good information.)

June 1

July 28th, 2009 Comments off

Marry someone who loves to vacuum. That person has many other fine qualities, too.

Which will make it tough when The Bachelorette has to choose between James Dyson and David Oreck.

May 29

July 12th, 2009 Comments off

When driving your children and their friends to school activities, listen carefully to their conversation.

As their parent/friend’s parent, they will not suspect you. Report your findings via the traditional channels. Replace batteries in your mini-van/crossover’s microphones as needed.

May 21

July 8th, 2009 Comments off

No couple ever made a mistake by extending their engagement by three months.

“Do you, Beatrice, take Frederick to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Let me get back to you on that.”

May 20

July 6th, 2009 Comments off

When you are in trouble, a true friend calls you.

Especially if that true friend is Kreskin.

May 17

July 2nd, 2009 Comments off

Take off the convention badge as soon as you leave the convention hall.

Because you don’t want the hookers in the hotel bar to know your real name.

May 15

July 1st, 2009 Comments off

Know a place to get a good breakfast where the waitresses call you “hon.”

Because that’s the closest you’ll get to having a girlfriend.

May 13

June 30th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t stop too soon. Just one more stroke is what fells the tree.

Whoops. I forgot to mention that this instruction is NSFW. Sorry about that.

May 9

June 20th, 2009 Comments off

Regardless of your age, listen to your mother.

I listened to your mother last night, and that’s how I ended up in this padlocked dog collar.

April 25

June 7th, 2009 Comments off

As a man, rise from your chair whenever a woman gets up from the table. This is especially important if the woman is your wife.

Because all women, especially your wife, appreciate a man who can levitate. Just ask David Blaine.