Skip to the last page when reading a book you find unbearably boring.
(…)
December 31
This next year donate extra time and resources to a cause you believe in.
Avoid being sarcastic or rude in an e-mail or voicemail message. They can be endlessly retrieved and replayed.
Although endlessly replaying sarcastic, rude remarks seems to have worked well for Two and a Half Men.
Never tell a singer he reminds you of someone else who’s more successful.
It’s much better to tell him he reminds you of someone who’s a failure.
Should good fortune visit you, never ask why.
Should Wheel of Fortune visit you, never ask for a vowel.
Be prudent in your promises and prompt in carrying them out.
“I promise to post a joke for this calendar entry right now!” – Ed Pierce, November 12, 2008
A compliment is the easiest and most appreciated form of communication.
But semaphore is still the bitchin’est.
Instead of asking young people what they someday want to do, ask them who they presently admire.
Be sure to have Wikipedia pre-loaded on your phone, though, because you’ll need to look up whoever it is they say.
Never regret money spent on old books, old dogs, and old friends.
Be extremely stingy with new friends and puppies, though.
And, come on, stop buying books.
When deplaning, thank the captain for a safe and comfortable flight.
“Now you tell me!” — Herve Villechez
Don’t be critical of beginners.
At least it’s better than Midnight in Paris.
Become knowledgeable about antiques, oriental rugs, and contemporary art.
That way, when people see you eating out of a dumpster, you can slay them with irony.
Life is a term paper. Don’t wait until the last minute to get started.
Or, as Tom Cochrane put it:
“Life is a term paper…
I wanna write it all night long.”
Once in a while pick up an unfamiliar magazine, thumb through it, and read the “letter from the editor.”
In other words, start living!
Never double-cross someone who knows your secrets.
Unless you’re prepared to fake your own death, like the guy in “Dave.” Or Elvis.