Archive

Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

November 20

July 30th, 2013 Comments off

Avoid being sarcastic or rude in an e-mail or voicemail message. They can be endlessly retrieved and replayed.

Although endlessly replaying sarcastic, rude remarks seems to have worked well for Two and a Half Men.

November 12

December 7th, 2012 Comments off

Be prudent in your promises and prompt in carrying them out.

“I promise to post a joke for this calendar entry right now!” – Ed Pierce, November 12, 2008

November 6

November 9th, 2012 Comments off

Choose carefully the company you hire to move you— whether across town or across country. Get recommendations from real estate brokers and friends who’ve recently moved. Never accept a quote over the phone. Have one of their representatives visit your home and discuss the move.

Sounds like somebody hired a bad mover

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

November 1

June 3rd, 2012 Comments off

When deplaning, thank the captain for a safe and comfortable flight.

“Now you tell me!” — Herve Villechez

October 15

April 3rd, 2011 Comments off

No matter how many times you’ve been around the barn, there’s a chance you’ll step in something today that wasn’t there yesterday.

We’re talking about sex here, right?

October 3

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

Get rid of gum before an interview.

By blowing up the Juicy Fruit factory.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food, Work

October 2

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

If you can’t find a job you like, at least work for someone you like.

Like, the nice pimp.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

September 30

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.

The other eight are:

  • searching through Facebook for old girlfreinds
  • wittily answering Johnny Carson’s questions
  • writing entries in your revenge journal
  • celebrating Thanksgiving
  • planning investment strategies for your future lottery winnings
  • spellchecking your Craigslist response
  • celebrating your birthday
  • Wii Fit

September 29

December 16th, 2010 Comments off

You are not what you wear. You are not what you sell. You are not what you drive. You are not where you live. You are what you strive to be.

So, I strive to be a guy in Hugo Boss who drives the Batmobile from his home on Lake Como to his job selling Dyson Air Multiplier™ bladeless fans.

September 22

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

No one glides easily into excellence. It’s always a struggle.

But that’s what K-Y’s for.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

September 17

July 13th, 2010 Comments off

Watch the clock, and you’ll always be just one of the hands.

Which must mean you’re looking in a mirror. And that the hands have eyes. And what about your hands – where are they? SOMEONE WAKE ME FROM THIS DALI-DESIGNED DREAM SEQUENCE!

September 11

June 30th, 2010 Comments off

Position a ladder properly. It’s time well spent.

Just ask Blutarsky.

September 9

June 29th, 2010 Comments off

Leave a deserving server a ten-dollar tip. Hand it to her personally.

If your deserving server is male, punch him in the stomach and tell him to get a man’s job.

Categories: Mr. Know-It-All, Work

September 8

June 28th, 2010 Comments off

Encourage a good student to become a teacher.

So that the bad students can get all the really good jobs. You’re welcome.