The impossible happens often enough to keep us hopeful. The improbable happens often enough to keep us trying.
The impassable happens often enough to keep us eating prunes.
Be praised for your integrity; be respected for your courage.
Be feared for your laser-emitting eyeballs.
When at a traffic signal, hold in your stomach for the length of the red light. This strengthens stomach muscles.
Don’t worry. The honking of the people behind you will revive you when you pass out.
Should you yawn in someone’s face, you might say, “Oh, I’m very sorry. It must be the medicine I’m taking.”
“Medicine? For what?”
“To calm my nerves and stop me from strangling people I find boring. Now, what were you saying?”
There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.
The other eight are:
Write your deepest concern on a small white card and attach it with a string to a helium-filled balloon. Release it in the light of a full moon and let go of that worry.
Like:
My deepest concern is that I’ll do something stupid that will either kill a bird or start an electrical fire.
Once a month visit an “Open House” in an area upscale to your own.
Because it’s so much fun seeing stuff you can never, ever have. Monthly.
When someone complains of a fever, touch his forehead with your hand then rush to get a cool cloth to soothe his brow. He will feel better just knowing you care.
This medical tip has been brought to you by The Health Insurance Companies of America, reminding you that, these days, doctors aren’t really necessary.
Keep talking about yourself, and those around you will develop hearing problems.
Giving you the opportunity to speak more loudly about yourself. Win/win.
Sit whenever you can. There are many lines left to stand in.
And there are no chairs in Hell.
Don’t try to out-trade a man who squats on his heels when he talks to you.
Because you don’t want to conduct a business transaction with a man while he’s going to the bathroom.
Conscience is that little voice in your head that says, “Floss your teeth.”
“… or your blonde wife will see that brunette hair stuck in there, Tiger.”
“Good manners and soft words have brought many a difficult thing to pass.” – Sir John Vanbrugh
I guesss he said that before the invention of Ex-Lax.
You don’t have to originate great ideas, but you must be able to recognize one when it comes strutting by.
That way, when you’re old and bitter, you’ll be able to count exactly how many great ideas you watched strut by.