Archive

Archive for the ‘Medicine’ Category

November 23

October 15th, 2013 Comments off

The impossible happens often enough to keep us hopeful. The improbable happens often enough to keep us trying.

The impassable happens often enough to keep us eating prunes.

November 2

November 9th, 2012 Comments off

Be praised for your integrity; be respected for your courage.

Be feared for your laser-emitting eyeballs.

October 24

September 10th, 2011 Comments off

When at a traffic signal, hold in your stomach for the length of the red light. This strengthens stomach muscles.

Don’t worry. The honking of the people behind you will revive you when you pass out.

October 6

December 30th, 2010 Comments off

Should you yawn in someone’s face, you might say, “Oh, I’m very sorry. It must be the medicine I’m taking.”

“Medicine? For what?”

“To calm my nerves and stop me from strangling people I find boring. Now, what were you saying?”

September 30

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.

The other eight are:

  • searching through Facebook for old girlfreinds
  • wittily answering Johnny Carson’s questions
  • writing entries in your revenge journal
  • celebrating Thanksgiving
  • planning investment strategies for your future lottery winnings
  • spellchecking your Craigslist response
  • celebrating your birthday
  • Wii Fit

September 21

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

Write your deepest concern on a small white card and attach it with a string to a helium-filled balloon. Release it in the light of a full moon and let go of that worry.

Like:

My deepest concern is that I’ll do something stupid that will either kill a bird or start an electrical fire.

September 15

July 10th, 2010 Comments off

Once a month visit an “Open House” in an area upscale to your own.

Because it’s so much fun seeing stuff you can never, ever have. Monthly.

August 29

June 8th, 2010 Comments off

When someone complains of a fever, touch his forehead with your hand then rush to get a cool cloth to soothe his brow. He will feel better just knowing you care.

This medical tip has been brought to you by The Health Insurance Companies of America, reminding you that, these days, doctors aren’t really necessary.

August 21

May 26th, 2010 Comments off

Keep talking about yourself, and those around you will develop hearing problems.

Giving you the opportunity to speak more loudly about yourself. Win/win.

July 31

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Sit whenever you can. There are many lines left to stand in.

And there are no chairs in Hell.

July 29

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Don’t try to out-trade a man who squats on his heels when he talks to you.

Because you don’t want to conduct a business transaction with a man while he’s going to the bathroom.

July 21

December 21st, 2009 Comments off

Conscience is that little voice in your head that says, “Floss your teeth.”

“… or your blonde wife will see that brunette hair stuck in there, Tiger.”

July 12

November 1st, 2009 Comments off

“Good manners and soft words have brought many a difficult thing to pass.” – Sir John Vanbrugh

I guesss he said that before the invention of Ex-Lax.

Categories: Medicine, Mr. Know-It-All

July 9

November 1st, 2009 Comments off

You don’t have to originate great ideas, but you must be able to recognize one when it comes strutting by.

That way, when you’re old and bitter, you’ll be able to count exactly how many great ideas you watched strut by.