Should good fortune visit you, never ask why.
Should Wheel of Fortune visit you, never ask for a vowel.
Never regret money spent on old books, old dogs, and old friends.
Be extremely stingy with new friends and puppies, though.
And, come on, stop buying books.
Don’t waste time currying favor with those you don’t respect.
But, then who will ever be on Celebrity Apprentice?
It’s difficult to take advantage of an honest man.
Because they’re always broke.
Occasionally be silly, but never with money.
Only be silly when you’re broke.
There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.
The other eight are:
You are not what you wear. You are not what you sell. You are not what you drive. You are not where you live. You are what you strive to be.
So, I strive to be a guy in Hugo Boss who drives the Batmobile from his home on Lake Como to his job selling Dyson Air Multiplier™ bladeless fans.
Never buy property on Swearing Hill Road.
Because it’s really hard to get up it. You see? Swearing Hill. Get it?
Plus it’s on fire. And haunted.
Once a month visit an “Open House” in an area upscale to your own.
Because it’s so much fun seeing stuff you can never, ever have. Monthly.
If you have to choose cheap, don’t choose cheap and ugly.
Yes, be sure to get that cheap, pretty stuff we’re always hearing about.
Don’t try to out-trade a man who squats on his heels when he talks to you.
Because you don’t want to conduct a business transaction with a man while he’s going to the bathroom.
You don’t have to originate great ideas, but you must be able to recognize one when it comes strutting by.
That way, when you’re old and bitter, you’ll be able to count exactly how many great ideas you watched strut by.
Treat yourself to a massage on your birthday.
Although it might be difficult at first for you to reach the middle of your back, the effort itself is a treat!
Never try to out-trade a man wearing bib overalls and highly polished shoes.
Because he obviously traded his suit for those overalls, so he’s a pro, all right.