Archive for the ‘Finance’ Category

June 25

October 13th, 2009 Comments off

No one ever went broke taking a profit, regardless of how small.

Unless they took it to Vegas.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Finance

June 23

September 30th, 2009 Comments off

Being financially secure is nothing more than spending less than you make.

Being politically secure is nothing more than knowing less than you say.

June 22

August 24th, 2009 Comments off

Revenge is never a good investment.

Their wild swings in effectiveness carry too much risk.

Revenge-backed securities, however, tranched and repackaged, still receive a AAA rating from Moody’s.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Finance

June 20

August 17th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t try to squeeze every dollar out of a good deal. Everyone has babies to feed, children to educate, parents to support.

Except for zombies. They don’t; plus, they’re awful negotiators. So go ahead.

(No such thing as zombie merchants, you say? You ever go into a Circuit City?)

May 19

July 6th, 2009 Comments off

Young people foolish with their money rarely change their ways.

Or their underwear.

I mean, not buying clean underwear is pretty foolish, you have to admit.

April 19

May 9th, 2009 Comments off

Never ask an accountant, lawyer, or doctor professional questions in a social setting.

Because you will always—ALWAYS—get billed for it.

April 5

May 3rd, 2009 Comments off

Help your children set up their own savings and checking accounts by age sixteen.

Of course, the teller may ask what you’re doing, having children when you’re sixteen.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Finance

March 29

April 1st, 2009 Comments off

Remember that the person who steals an egg will steal a chicken.

But which will he steal first?

February 22

March 1st, 2009 Comments off

Keep valuable papers in a bank lockbox.

Papers like 50s and 100s. Smaller bills just keep stuffed in your mattress.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Finance

February 14

February 24th, 2009 Comments off

Money as your sole motivation is like a sack with a hole in the bottom.

Because it only holds big stuff and lets all the little, unimportant things fall out.

Wait… what?

Categories: Father Knows Best, Finance

February 7

February 12th, 2009 Comments off

Should you get lucky with money, save most of it. Then you won’t have to rely on luck again.

Similar advice goes for Marisa Tomei — because you’re not going to get lucky with her more than once.

Yes, I said Marisa Tomei! She’s an OSCAR winner, for cying out loud!

January 31

February 8th, 2009 Comments off

Selfishness never leads to satisfaction.

However, by the time you realize that, you don’t really care anymore.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Finance

January 28

February 4th, 2009 Comments off

When feeling down, buy expensive soap.

Be sure to show it to the homeless man before he’s shooed away from the front of the Expensive Soap Store. It’s like sharing it with him and getting to keep it, too. That’ll make you feel EVEN better.

January 16

January 21st, 2009 Comments off

Never admit to anyone that you’ve run out of money.

Sincerely yours,
Bernard Madoff

Categories: Finance, Mr. Know-It-All