Li’l Cal

No one ever went broke taking a profit, regardless of how small.

Unless they took it to Vegas.

Being financially secure is nothing more than spending less than you make.

Being politically secure is nothing more than knowing less than you say.

Revenge is never a good investment.

Their wild swings in effectiveness carry too much risk.

Revenge-backed securities, however, tranched and repackaged, still receive a AAA rating from Moody’s.

Don’t try to squeeze every dollar out of a good deal. Everyone has babies to feed, children to educate, parents to support.

Except for zombies. They don’t; plus, they’re awful negotiators. So go ahead.

(No such thing as zombie merchants, you say? You ever go into a Circuit City?)

Young people foolish with their money rarely change their ways.

Or their underwear.

I mean, not buying clean underwear is pretty foolish, you have to admit.

Never ask an accountant, lawyer, or doctor professional questions in a social setting.

Because you will always—ALWAYS—get billed for it.

Help your children set up their own savings and checking accounts by age sixteen.

Of course, the teller may ask what you’re doing, having children when you’re sixteen.

Remember that the person who steals an egg will steal a chicken.

But which will he steal first?

Keep valuable papers in a bank lockbox.

Papers like 50s and 100s. Smaller bills just keep stuffed in your mattress.

Money as your sole motivation is like a sack with a hole in the bottom.

Because it only holds big stuff and lets all the little, unimportant things fall out.

Wait… what?

Should you get lucky with money, save most of it. Then you won’t have to rely on luck again.

Similar advice goes for Marisa Tomei — because you’re not going to get lucky with her more than once.

Yes, I said Marisa Tomei! She’s an OSCAR winner, for cying out loud!

Selfishness never leads to satisfaction.

However, by the time you realize that, you don’t really care anymore.

When feeling down, buy expensive soap.

Be sure to show it to the homeless man before he’s shooed away from the front of the Expensive Soap Store. It’s like sharing it with him and getting to keep it, too. That’ll make you feel EVEN better.

Never admit to anyone that you’ve run out of money.

Sincerely yours,
Bernard Madoff