Never book an interior cabin on a cruse ship.
Because they don’t have windows, and, without windows, how are you going to get rid of all the rats every morning?
Never regret money spent on old books, old dogs, and old friends.
Be extremely stingy with new friends and puppies, though.
And, come on, stop buying books.
A snake will bite you even if you buy it ice cream.
Because HOW’S IT SUPPOSED TO HOLD THE CONE, YOU IDIOT?!
No matter how many times you’ve been around the barn, there’s a chance you’ll step in something today that wasn’t there yesterday.
We’re talking about sex here, right?
Don’t allow your children under the age of eighteen to drive a car after midnight.
Or it will turn into a pumpkin.
If you’re a stranger, don’t let darkness catch you in unfamiliar rural mountains.
And, whatever you do, don’t get in any banjo duels.
Never call someone a coward. She could go to extreme measures to prove you wrong.
Like running for Vice President. Or President, for that matter.
Write your deepest concern on a small white card and attach it with a string to a helium-filled balloon. Release it in the light of a full moon and let go of that worry.
Like:
My deepest concern is that I’ll do something stupid that will either kill a bird or start an electrical fire.
Name a dog Hot Ticket.
Especially if it’s not your dog.
Self-expression stops when you encounter a police officer or judge. That’s what lawyers are for.
A lawyer’s also useful if you encounter a grizzly bear. Especially if the lawyer can’t run as fast as you.
When it comes to the glories and mysteries of nature, nothing is too wonderful not to be true.
Especially the glory and mystery of Sasquatch.
Never insult a mule while hitching him up.
Because, in that position, he might be able to reach your gun.
Never discuss past romantic relationships with anyone.
Except your veterinarian, of course.
Get your next pet from the animal shelter.
They love petting people there.