Archive

Archive for the ‘Wild Kingdom’ Category

November 16

April 17th, 2013 Comments off

Never book an interior cabin on a cruse ship.

Because they don’t have windows, and, without windows, how are you going to get rid of all the rats every morning?

November 4

November 9th, 2012 Comments off

Never regret money spent on old books, old dogs, and old friends.

Be extremely stingy with new friends and puppies, though.

And, come on, stop buying books.

October 16

April 6th, 2011 Comments off

A snake will bite you even if you buy it ice cream.

Because HOW’S IT SUPPOSED TO HOLD THE CONE, YOU IDIOT?!

October 15

April 3rd, 2011 Comments off

No matter how many times you’ve been around the barn, there’s a chance you’ll step in something today that wasn’t there yesterday.

We’re talking about sex here, right?

October 14

April 3rd, 2011 Comments off

Don’t allow your children under the age of eighteen to drive a car after midnight.

Or it will turn into a pumpkin.

September 25

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

If you’re a stranger, don’t let darkness catch you in unfamiliar rural mountains.

And, whatever you do, don’t get in any banjo duels.

September 23

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

Never call someone a coward. She could go to extreme measures to prove you wrong.

Like running for Vice President. Or President, for that matter.

September 21

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

Write your deepest concern on a small white card and attach it with a string to a helium-filled balloon. Release it in the light of a full moon and let go of that worry.

Like:

My deepest concern is that I’ll do something stupid that will either kill a bird or start an electrical fire.

September 10

June 29th, 2010 Comments off

Name a dog Hot Ticket.

Especially if it’s not your dog.

September 2

June 21st, 2010 Comments off

Self-expression stops when you encounter a police officer or judge. That’s what lawyers are for.

A lawyer’s also useful if you encounter a grizzly bear. Especially if the lawyer can’t run as fast as you.

August 10

January 12th, 2010 Comments off

When it comes to the glories and mysteries of nature, nothing is too wonderful not to be true.

Especially the glory and mystery of Sasquatch.

April 27

May 24th, 2009 Comments off

Never insult a mule while hitching him up.

Because, in that position, he might be able to reach your gun.

March 17

March 18th, 2009 Comments off

Never discuss past romantic relationships with anyone.

Except your veterinarian, of course.

March 15

March 15th, 2009 Comments off

Get your next pet from the animal shelter.

They love petting people there.