Li’l Cal

Make a list of twenty people who would be sad to know that you died. Call them at least twice a year.

That way, they’ll be no more than 6 months late to your funeral.

Instead of asking young people what they someday want to do, ask them who they presently admire.

Be sure to have Wikipedia pre-loaded on your phone, though, because you’ll need to look up whoever it is they say.

When deplaning, thank the captain for a safe and comfortable flight.

“Now you tell me!” – Herve Villechez

For emergencies, place matches, candles, and flashlights in several rooms of your home.

Because, as the old saying tells us, “Batten down the hatches; Zombies hate the matches.”

Take good care of today. It’s the tomorrow you longed for yesterday.

Unless you’re a time-traveller. In that case, WHY DID KENNEDY STILL GET SHOT?!

Never double-cross someone who knows your secrets.

Unless you’re prepared to fake your own death, like the guy in “Dave.” Or Elvis.

Walk down the street where your grandparents grew up.

And it will be exactly the same as it was then. Really. Try it.

Before buying a house or renting an apartment, check the water pressure by turning on the faucets and the shower and then flushing the toilet.

Check for ghosts by inviting over Scooby-Do and the rest of the Mystery Machine gang. Those meddling kids sure know how to “flush” out spirits!

Never leave early from a wedding, funeral, or an appreciation dinner.

Or you’ll miss the good stuff. And I’m talking about booze.

Sit whenever you can. There are many lines left to stand in.

And there are no chairs in Hell.

On May 9, 1754, the first American newspaper cartoon was published. The illustration in Benjamin Franklin’s “Pennsylvania Gazette” showed a snake cut into sections, each part representing an American colony. The caption read, “Join or die.”

What a hoot! Bil Keane must have had a hand in that one.

Don’t try to squeeze every dollar out of a good deal. Everyone has babies to feed, children to educate, parents to support.

Except for zombies. They don’t; plus, they’re awful negotiators. So go ahead.

(No such thing as zombie merchants, you say? You ever go into a Circuit City?)

Life is steep; pack light.

Luckily for you it’s all downhill from here.

Prove to yourself how well you know something by attempting to explain it to someone else.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations Security Council…

… I rest my case.” – Colin Powell, February 5, 2003.