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Archive for the ‘Death and Taxes’ Category

November 27

June 21st, 2014 Comments off

Make a list of twenty people who would be sad to know that you died. Call them at least twice a year.

That way, they’ll be no more than 6 months late to your funeral.

November 5

November 9th, 2012 Comments off

Instead of asking young people what they someday want to do, ask them who they presently admire.

Be sure to have Wikipedia pre-loaded on your phone, though, because you’ll need to look up whoever it is they say.

November 1

June 3rd, 2012 Comments off

When deplaning, thank the captain for a safe and comfortable flight.

“Now you tell me!” — Herve Villechez

October 23

September 10th, 2011 Comments off

For emergencies, place matches, candles, and flashlights in several rooms of your home.

Because, as the old saying tells us, “Batten down the hatches; Zombies hate the matches.”

October 20

July 10th, 2011 Comments off

Take good care of today. It’s the tomorrow you longed for yesterday.

Unless you’re a time-traveller. In that case, WHY DID KENNEDY STILL GET SHOT?!

October 12

March 13th, 2011 Comments off

Never double-cross someone who knows your secrets.

Unless you’re prepared to fake your own death, like the guy in “Dave.” Or Elvis.

September 5

June 21st, 2010 Comments off

Walk down the street where your grandparents grew up.

And it will be exactly the same as it was then. Really. Try it.

August 2

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Before buying a house or renting an apartment, check the water pressure by turning on the faucets and the shower and then flushing the toilet.

Check for ghosts by inviting over Scooby-Do and the rest of the Mystery Machine gang. Those meddling kids sure know how to “flush” out spirits!

August 1

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Never leave early from a wedding, funeral, or an appreciation dinner.

Or you’ll miss the good stuff. And I’m talking about booze.

July 31

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Sit whenever you can. There are many lines left to stand in.

And there are no chairs in Hell.

July 27

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

On May 9, 1754, the first American newspaper cartoon was published. The illustration in Benjamin Franklin’s “Pennsylvania Gazette” showed a snake cut into sections, each part representing an American colony. The caption read, “Join or die.”

What a hoot! Bil Keane must have had a hand in that one.

June 20

August 17th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t try to squeeze every dollar out of a good deal. Everyone has babies to feed, children to educate, parents to support.

Except for zombies. They don’t; plus, they’re awful negotiators. So go ahead.

(No such thing as zombie merchants, you say? You ever go into a Circuit City?)

June 19

August 16th, 2009 Comments off

Life is steep; pack light.

Luckily for you it’s all downhill from here.

June 17

August 16th, 2009 Comments off

Prove to yourself how well you know something by attempting to explain it to someone else.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations Security Council…

IraqMobileProductionFacilities

… I rest my case.” – Colin Powell, February 5, 2003.