Li’l Cal

When asking a question, ask confidently.

Are you sure about that?

(Computer explodes.)

Become knowledgeable about antiques, oriental rugs, and contemporary art.

That way, when people see you eating out of a dumpster, you can slay them with irony.

Life is a term paper. Don’t wait until the last minute to get started.

Or, as Tom Cochrane put it:

“Life is a term paper…

I wanna write it all night long.”

Read a biography on Albert Schweitzer.

On his stomach, if he’s lying down. On the top of his head, if he’s seated. Definitely not on his lap. That’s creepy.

We all want to prove how right we are. Sometimes it’s better to prove how much we care.

Care about being right, that is.

You never sound as smart or appear as appealing as you think you do.

You also don’t have as many friends as you think you do. Happy birthday!

Position a ladder properly. It’s time well spent.

Just ask Blutarsky.

Encourage a good student to become a teacher.

So that the bad students can get all the really good jobs. You’re welcome.

Just one idea, one person, one book, and everything can change.

And, if you haven’t seen it, believe me, it’s a hell of a magic trick. That Copperfield’s amazing.

No need to strain yourself. Just one great idea a year is all that’s necessary.

No, “growing a soul patch” doesn’t count.

On May 9, 1754, the first American newspaper cartoon was published. The illustration in Benjamin Franklin’s “Pennsylvania Gazette” showed a snake cut into sections, each part representing an American colony. The caption read, “Join or die.”

What a hoot! Bil Keane must have had a hand in that one.

Consider silence. Sometimes it’s the perfect answer.

And good luck with those SATs.

Should you ever be called a genius, don’t dispute it.

Just accept the money, shake John D.’s hand, and sneak a wink at Catherine T.

After college, read only books you like. Should you find yourself reading one you don’t enjoy, skip to the last page and be done with it.

You got it.

December 31: Tonight, put a chocolate…

Okay. I’ll keep going.