Li’l Cal

Be praised for your integrity; be respected for your courage.

Be feared for your laser-emitting eyeballs.

When deplaning, thank the captain for a safe and comfortable flight.

“Now you tell me!” — Herve Villechez

You can still be courteous when all else fails.

Especially if “all else” means your brakes. Because nobody likes a rude driver.

Take good care of today. It’s the tomorrow you longed for yesterday.

Unless you’re a time-traveller. In that case, WHY DID KENNEDY STILL GET SHOT?!

Don’t hurry trouble. There’s plenty for everyone.

Another reason to not hurry is that you don’t want to accidently break the Pop-O-Matic bubble.

Write your deepest concern on a small white card and attach it with a string to a helium-filled balloon. Release it in the light of a full moon and let go of that worry.

Like:

My deepest concern is that I’ll do something stupid that will either kill a bird or start an electrical fire.

Never kick a jukebox that’s playing on someone else’s quarter.

Because, if you do, you’ll irreparably alter the fabric of time and ruin your chances of returning to this century.

Watch the clock, and you’ll always be just one of the hands.

Which must mean you’re looking in a mirror. And that the hands have eyes. And what about your hands – where are they? SOMEONE WAKE ME FROM THIS DALI-DESIGNED DREAM SEQUENCE!

Never take for granted the often-ignored miracle of turning on a faucet and safely drinking the water that flows out.

Because, with your hand-eye coordination, that is a miracle.

Plan for the future. That’s where you’ll spend all your tomorrows.

Unless you’re Dr. Sam Beckett, of course.

Never hand evil a microphone.

Because the cord will yank him off the bike when he tries to jump the Snake River Canyon.

Before buying a house or renting an apartment, check the water pressure by turning on the faucets and the shower and then flushing the toilet.

Check for ghosts by inviting over Scooby-Do and the rest of the Mystery Machine gang. Those meddling kids sure know how to “flush” out spirits!

Never expect to know everything with the certainty you did at age sixteen.

So, if your neighbor’s sixteen year-old daughter says it’s okay to sext her, believe her — she knows!

You don’t have to originate great ideas, but you must be able to recognize one when it comes strutting by.

That way, when you’re old and bitter, you’ll be able to count exactly how many great ideas you watched strut by.