Beware of a conversation where “to be perfectly honest” or “quite frankly” is used by someone struggling to make a point.
Because that means that he’s about to admit to being the murderer, and he’ll likely pull a gun on you, which, you’ll admit, you did not see coming.
Read a biography on Albert Schweitzer.
On his stomach, if he’s lying down. On the top of his head, if he’s seated. Definitely not on his lap. That’s creepy.
Ask someone to pick up your mail and daily paper when you’re out of town. Those are the first two things potential burglars look for.
There’s nothing thieves covet more than the Tribune and Lands’ End catalogs.
Self-expression stops when you encounter a police officer or judge. That’s what lawyers are for.
A lawyer’s also useful if you encounter a grizzly bear. Especially if the lawyer can’t run as fast as you.
Surprise a friend at work with a morning cup of coffee and an apple fritter.
If you don’t know what an “apple fritter” is, ask someone who’s done time. Surprise, indeed!
Smile and wave at neighbors, even those who never wave back.
That way, they’ll be more believable character witnesses for you.
Come to a full stop at stop signs. Disregard this simple law, and it becomes easier to disobey important ones.
Who can forget that opening scene in Goodfellas, where a 16-year-old Henry Hill fails to come to a complete stop at an intersection? Not me. Chilling.
Don’t jaywalk.
Moonwalk.
You know, in tribute.
You don’t have to originate great ideas, but you must be able to recognize one when it comes strutting by.
That way, when you’re old and bitter, you’ll be able to count exactly how many great ideas you watched strut by.
Improve your ability to really see something by drawing it.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations Security Council…
… I rest my case.” – Colin Powell, February 5, 2003.
When someone answers, “I don’t care,” ask more questions, because she really does.
You know she really cares. So ask and ask and ask and keep asking! Disrupt her sleep patterns. Show her the waterboard. Do whatever it takes to find out the truth!
(Remember, it isn’t “torture” if you get good information.)
Remember, lawyers seldom say, “Forget it. You don’t have a good case.”
That’s why I get all my legal advice from EX-lawyers. You know, bartenders and TV producers.