Make a list of twenty people who would be sad to know that you died. Call them at least twice a year.
That way, they’ll be no more than 6 months late to your funeral.
Avoid being sarcastic or rude in an e-mail or voicemail message. They can be endlessly retrieved and replayed.
Although endlessly replaying sarcastic, rude remarks seems to have worked well for Two and a Half Men.
Resist using the words “Why do you always…” when discussing a relationship problem.
Because it’s much more linguistically efficient to say, “I hate it when you…”
Never regret money spent on old books, old dogs, and old friends.
Be extremely stingy with new friends and puppies, though.
And, come on, stop buying books.
Don’t waste time currying favor with those you don’t respect.
But, then who will ever be on Celebrity Apprentice?
Never double-cross someone who knows your secrets.
Unless you’re prepared to fake your own death, like the guy in “Dave.” Or Elvis.
You never sound as smart or appear as appealing as you think you do.
You also don’t have as many friends as you think you do. Happy birthday!
Should you yawn in someone’s face, you might say, “Oh, I’m very sorry. It must be the medicine I’m taking.”
“Medicine? For what?”
“To calm my nerves and stop me from strangling people I find boring. Now, what were you saying?”
Surprise a friend at work with a morning cup of coffee and an apple fritter.
If you don’t know what an “apple fritter” is, ask someone who’s done time. Surprise, indeed!
Smile and wave at neighbors, even those who never wave back.
That way, they’ll be more believable character witnesses for you.
Love to read books; you’ll have agreeable companions for life.
And all the sex you can imagine.
Don’t own a boat. Have a friend who owns a boat.
And steal it.
Be the first to greet new neighbors. Take them something delicious.
For example, the old neighbors.
Never expect to know everything with the certainty you did at age sixteen.
So, if your neighbor’s sixteen year-old daughter says it’s okay to sext her, believe her — she knows!