Archive for the ‘Friendship’ Category

November 27

June 21st, 2014 Comments off

Make a list of twenty people who would be sad to know that you died. Call them at least twice a year.

That way, they’ll be no more than 6 months late to your funeral.

November 20

July 30th, 2013 Comments off

Avoid being sarcastic or rude in an e-mail or voicemail message. They can be endlessly retrieved and replayed.

Although endlessly replaying sarcastic, rude remarks seems to have worked well for Two and a Half Men.

November 14

April 1st, 2013 Comments off

Resist using the words “Why do you always…” when discussing a relationship problem.

Because it’s much more linguistically efficient to say, “I hate it when you…”

November 4

November 9th, 2012 Comments off

Never regret money spent on old books, old dogs, and old friends.

Be extremely stingy with new friends and puppies, though.

And, come on, stop buying books.

November 3

November 9th, 2012 Comments off

Don’t waste time currying favor with those you don’t respect.

But, then who will ever be on Celebrity Apprentice?

October 12

March 13th, 2011 Comments off

Never double-cross someone who knows your secrets.

Unless you’re prepared to fake your own death, like the guy in “Dave.” Or Elvis.

October 7

January 1st, 2011 Comments off

You never sound as smart or appear as appealing as you think you do.

You also don’t have as many friends as you think you do. Happy birthday!

October 6

December 30th, 2010 Comments off

Should you yawn in someone’s face, you might say, “Oh, I’m very sorry. It must be the medicine I’m taking.”

“Medicine? For what?”

“To calm my nerves and stop me from strangling people I find boring. Now, what were you saying?”

August 25

June 8th, 2010 Comments off

Surprise a friend at work with a morning cup of coffee and an apple fritter.

If you don’t know what an “apple fritter” is, ask someone who’s done time. Surprise, indeed!

August 20

May 26th, 2010 Comments off

Smile and wave at neighbors, even those who never wave back.

That way, they’ll be more believable character witnesses for you.

August 7

December 29th, 2009 Comments off

Love to read books; you’ll have agreeable companions for life.

And all the sex you can imagine.

August 6

December 28th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t own a boat. Have a friend who owns a boat.

And steal it.

July 30

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Be the first to greet new neighbors. Take them something delicious.

For example, the old neighbors.

July 20

December 21st, 2009 Comments off

Never expect to know everything with the certainty you did at age sixteen.

So, if your neighbor’s sixteen year-old daughter says it’s okay to sext her, believe her — she knows!