Archive

Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

November 23

October 15th, 2013 Comments off

The impossible happens often enough to keep us hopeful. The improbable happens often enough to keep us trying.

The impassable happens often enough to keep us eating prunes.

October 16

April 6th, 2011 Comments off

A snake will bite you even if you buy it ice cream.

Because HOW’S IT SUPPOSED TO HOLD THE CONE, YOU IDIOT?!

October 4

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

Every spring set out a couple of tomato plants.

After all, the summer theatre season is right around the corner.

October 3

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

Get rid of gum before an interview.

By blowing up the Juicy Fruit factory.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food, Work

September 28

December 12th, 2010 Comments off

This is the question to ask that makes anyone smile: “Would you like a bowl of homemade peach ice cream?”

This is the question to follow it up with: “You got any?”

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food

September 4

June 21st, 2010 Comments off

Discover the vastness of America by driving across Kansas.

Because Kansans are really fat.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food

September 1

June 21st, 2010 Comments off

Never take for granted the often-ignored miracle of turning on a faucet and safely drinking the water that flows out.

Because, with your hand-eye coordination, that is a miracle.

August 28

June 8th, 2010 Comments off

Choose a different flavor of ice cream each time you restock.

Just like Tiger Woods does.

August 25

June 8th, 2010 Comments off

Surprise a friend at work with a morning cup of coffee and an apple fritter.

If you don’t know what an “apple fritter” is, ask someone who’s done time. Surprise, indeed!

August 1

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Never leave early from a wedding, funeral, or an appreciation dinner.

Or you’ll miss the good stuff. And I’m talking about booze.

July 30

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Be the first to greet new neighbors. Take them something delicious.

For example, the old neighbors.

July 28

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Tonight, put a chocolate mint on your loved one’s pillow.

Tomorrow, lovingly cut it out of her hair.

June 29

October 14th, 2009 Comments off

Take not the third drink, nor the third donut.

Otherwise, the staff meeting will just get ugly.

Categories: Food, Work

June 28

October 14th, 2009 Comments off

Go through all your old photographs. Select ten and tape them to your kitchen cabinets. Change them every thirty days.

That way, every time you go to get something to eat, you’ll be reminded of how thin you used to be.