The impossible happens often enough to keep us hopeful. The improbable happens often enough to keep us trying.
The impassable happens often enough to keep us eating prunes.
A snake will bite you even if you buy it ice cream.
Because HOW’S IT SUPPOSED TO HOLD THE CONE, YOU IDIOT?!
Every spring set out a couple of tomato plants.
After all, the summer theatre season is right around the corner.
Get rid of gum before an interview.
By blowing up the Juicy Fruit factory.
This is the question to ask that makes anyone smile: “Would you like a bowl of homemade peach ice cream?”
This is the question to follow it up with: “You got any?”
Discover the vastness of America by driving across Kansas.
Because Kansans are really fat.
Never take for granted the often-ignored miracle of turning on a faucet and safely drinking the water that flows out.
Because, with your hand-eye coordination, that is a miracle.
Choose a different flavor of ice cream each time you restock.
Just like Tiger Woods does.
Surprise a friend at work with a morning cup of coffee and an apple fritter.
If you don’t know what an “apple fritter” is, ask someone who’s done time. Surprise, indeed!
Never leave early from a wedding, funeral, or an appreciation dinner.
Or you’ll miss the good stuff. And I’m talking about booze.
Be the first to greet new neighbors. Take them something delicious.
For example, the old neighbors.
Tonight, put a chocolate mint on your loved one’s pillow.
Tomorrow, lovingly cut it out of her hair.
Take not the third drink, nor the third donut.
Otherwise, the staff meeting will just get ugly.
Go through all your old photographs. Select ten and tape them to your kitchen cabinets. Change them every thirty days.
That way, every time you go to get something to eat, you’ll be reminded of how thin you used to be.