Li’l Cal

Drink low-fat milk.

So that you’ve got more room for all those bacon and eggs.

Don’t die with dessert still in the fridge.

“Gah! My heart! Quick – get me the cannoli!”

When trying out a new restaurant, visit the restroom first. It will tell you all you need to know.

Like what the daily special is.

Know a place to get a good breakfast where the waitresses call you “hon.”

Because that’s the closest you’ll get to having a girlfriend.

Make no promises and offer no compliments after two glasses of wine.

In fact, be surly and uncooperative. In time, there won’t be anyone around to compliment or make promises to. Win win.

When you are a dinner guest at a restaurant, don’t order anything more expensive than your host.

The trick is figuring out how expensive your host really is.

When all else fails, order pizza.

Like Eva said in the bunker, “Hold that thought, Adolph. The Domino’s guy’s here.”

Make a big deal over anyone who bakes you a pie or cake.

“Oooooo. Look who baked me a pie! Mr. Baker-man! Well, aren’t WE a big deal, Mr. Baker-man!”

You mean like that?

Remember that the person who steals an egg will steal a chicken.

But which will he steal first?

Never place food on a hotel bedspread. They are cleaned infrequently.

Well there goes my traditional “meatloaf with mashed potatoes and hold the plates” room service order.

Always prepare more soup and bake more cookies than you need. Share them.

Damn it—SHARE THEM!!

Don’t let anyone ever see you tipsy.

It’s much better to do all your drinking by yourself. Down in the basement. Hiding behind the washer. With a flashlight.

If you’re bored, plant a garden. It will keep you busy for the next eight months.

Or just go ahead and get pregnant.

Forget the flowers, forget the brownies; bake someone a pineapple upside-down cake.

You want to really impress them? Forget the pineapple and bake them a cake upside-down. Like a bat would.