Archive for the ‘Mr. Know-It-All’ Category

November 19

July 29th, 2013 Comments off

Never tell a singer he reminds you of someone else who’s more successful.

It’s much better to tell him he reminds you of someone who’s a failure.

Categories: Mr. Know-It-All, The Arts

November 7

November 9th, 2012 Comments off

Words are sometimes inadequate. The deepest sentiments are expressed with the eyes.

Can you see my eyes right now? They’re rolling.

Categories: Mr. Know-It-All

November 5

November 9th, 2012 Comments off

Instead of asking young people what they someday want to do, ask them who they presently admire.

Be sure to have Wikipedia pre-loaded on your phone, though, because you’ll need to look up whoever it is they say.

October 27

June 3rd, 2012 Comments off

Remember, an insult is remembered twice as long as a compliment.

Because they usually have twice as many words in them.

Categories: Etiquette, Mr. Know-It-All

October 25

September 10th, 2011 Comments off

Become knowledgeable about antiques, oriental rugs, and contemporary art.

That way, when people see you eating out of a dumpster, you can slay them with irony.

October 4

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

Every spring set out a couple of tomato plants.

After all, the summer theatre season is right around the corner.

September 9

June 29th, 2010 Comments off

Leave a deserving server a ten-dollar tip. Hand it to her personally.

If your deserving server is male, punch him in the stomach and tell him to get a man’s job.

Categories: Mr. Know-It-All, Work

September 8

June 28th, 2010 Comments off

Encourage a good student to become a teacher.

So that the bad students can get all the really good jobs. You’re welcome.

August 5

December 28th, 2009 Comments off

Remember, when you have an argument with someone you love, you can always get in the last word by being the first to say, “I’m sorry.”

Unless, it’s an argument about how you always say, “I’m sorry.” Which it should be.

July 24

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Consider silence. Sometimes it’s the perfect answer.

And good luck with those SATs.

Categories: Education, Mr. Know-It-All

July 20

December 21st, 2009 Comments off

Never expect to know everything with the certainty you did at age sixteen.

So, if your neighbor’s sixteen year-old daughter says it’s okay to sext her, believe her — she knows!

July 19

November 29th, 2009 Comments off

“In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” – Thomas Jefferson

He then said, “In matters of slavery, waffle a bit and go to Paris.”

Categories: Mr. Know-It-All, Politics

July 18

November 29th, 2009 Comments off

Remember and revere the hard times, for they will become the stories you most like to tell.

Or, just make them up. No one’s listening to you anyway.

Categories: Mr. Know-It-All

July 17

November 29th, 2009 Comments off

It’s best that we have different opinions. If not, everyone would drive a car just like yours.

Other than that, though, I’d be pretty cool with it.

Categories: Mr. Know-It-All