Never tell a singer he reminds you of someone else who’s more successful.
It’s much better to tell him he reminds you of someone who’s a failure.
Words are sometimes inadequate. The deepest sentiments are expressed with the eyes.
Can you see my eyes right now? They’re rolling.
Instead of asking young people what they someday want to do, ask them who they presently admire.
Be sure to have Wikipedia pre-loaded on your phone, though, because you’ll need to look up whoever it is they say.
Remember, an insult is remembered twice as long as a compliment.
Because they usually have twice as many words in them.
Become knowledgeable about antiques, oriental rugs, and contemporary art.
That way, when people see you eating out of a dumpster, you can slay them with irony.
Every spring set out a couple of tomato plants.
After all, the summer theatre season is right around the corner.
Leave a deserving server a ten-dollar tip. Hand it to her personally.
If your deserving server is male, punch him in the stomach and tell him to get a man’s job.
Encourage a good student to become a teacher.
So that the bad students can get all the really good jobs. You’re welcome.
Remember, when you have an argument with someone you love, you can always get in the last word by being the first to say, “I’m sorry.”
Unless, it’s an argument about how you always say, “I’m sorry.” Which it should be.
Consider silence. Sometimes it’s the perfect answer.
And good luck with those SATs.
Never expect to know everything with the certainty you did at age sixteen.
So, if your neighbor’s sixteen year-old daughter says it’s okay to sext her, believe her — she knows!
“In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” – Thomas Jefferson
He then said, “In matters of slavery, waffle a bit and go to Paris.”
Remember and revere the hard times, for they will become the stories you most like to tell.
Or, just make them up. No one’s listening to you anyway.
It’s best that we have different opinions. If not, everyone would drive a car just like yours.
Other than that, though, I’d be pretty cool with it.