Archive

Archive for the ‘Father Knows Best’ Category

November 27

June 21st, 2014 Comments off

Make a list of twenty people who would be sad to know that you died. Call them at least twice a year.

That way, they’ll be no more than 6 months late to your funeral.

November 26

April 24th, 2014 Comments off

Skip to the last page when reading a book you find unbearably boring.

(…)

December 31

This next year donate extra time and resources to a cause you believe in.

 

November 25

April 12th, 2014 Comments off

Buy three or four super-luxurious towels. They are an inexpensive indulgence.

And they can soak up a lot of blood. Win / win.

Categories: Father Knows Best

November 24

October 19th, 2013 Comments off

When renting a car for a couple of days, choose a model and make you've admired but never driven.

And by “car” I mean “escort”.

Categories: Father Knows Best

November 23

October 15th, 2013 Comments off

The impossible happens often enough to keep us hopeful. The improbable happens often enough to keep us trying.

The impassable happens often enough to keep us eating prunes.

November 21

September 10th, 2013 Comments off

Never take more than you need.

And while you're at it, enjoy backpacking across Europe, you free-loving, marijuana-using, Earth shoe-wearing, commie-sympathizing hippy. We'll be over here in America eating steaks and taking showers EVERY DAY.

November 20

July 30th, 2013 Comments off

Avoid being sarcastic or rude in an e-mail or voicemail message. They can be endlessly retrieved and replayed.

Although endlessly replaying sarcastic, rude remarks seems to have worked well for Two and a Half Men.

November 17

July 15th, 2013 Comments off

Should good fortune visit you, never ask why.

Should Wheel of Fortune visit you, never ask for a vowel.

November 16

April 17th, 2013 Comments off

Never book an interior cabin on a cruse ship.

Because they don’t have windows, and, without windows, how are you going to get rid of all the rats every morning?

November 14

April 1st, 2013 Comments off

Resist using the words “Why do you always…” when discussing a relationship problem.

Because it’s much more linguistically efficient to say, “I hate it when you…”

November 13

March 11th, 2013 Comments off

When asking a question, ask confidently.

Are you sure about that?

(Computer explodes.)

November 12

December 7th, 2012 Comments off

Be prudent in your promises and prompt in carrying them out.

“I promise to post a joke for this calendar entry right now!” – Ed Pierce, November 12, 2008

November 10

December 5th, 2012 Comments off

Beware of a conversation where “to be perfectly honest” or “quite frankly” is used by someone struggling to make a point.

Because that means that he’s about to admit to being the murderer, and he’ll likely pull a gun on you, which, you’ll admit, you did not see coming.

Categories: Father Knows Best, The Law

November 9

November 21st, 2012 Comments off

A compliment is the easiest and most appreciated form of communication.

But semaphore is still the bitchin’est.