Never take more than you need.
And while you're at it, enjoy backpacking across Europe, you free-loving, marijuana-using, Earth shoe-wearing, commie-sympathizing hippy. We'll be over here in America eating steaks and taking showers EVERY DAY.
Don’t waste time currying favor with those you don’t respect.
But, then who will ever be on Celebrity Apprentice?
Never call someone a coward. She could go to extreme measures to prove you wrong.
Like running for Vice President. Or President, for that matter.
When someone complains of a fever, touch his forehead with your hand then rush to get a cool cloth to soothe his brow. He will feel better just knowing you care.
This medical tip has been brought to you by The Health Insurance Companies of America, reminding you that, these days, doctors aren’t really necessary.
On May 9, 1754, the first American newspaper cartoon was published. The illustration in Benjamin Franklin’s “Pennsylvania Gazette” showed a snake cut into sections, each part representing an American colony. The caption read, “Join or die.”
What a hoot! Bil Keane must have had a hand in that one.
A big idea changes even those who dismiss it.
Yes. It makes them fight even harder. And then you have to compromise and make immoral concessions just to get anything done. And that’s how you end up with Did You Hear About the Morgans.
“In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” – Thomas Jefferson
He then said, “In matters of slavery, waffle a bit and go to Paris.”
You don’t have to originate great ideas, but you must be able to recognize one when it comes strutting by.
That way, when you’re old and bitter, you’ll be able to count exactly how many great ideas you watched strut by.
Fly Old Glory today with a heightened sense of pride and love of liberty.
As opposed to your usual way of flying it — with your heightened sense of smug irony, you socialism-loving elitist. AND WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE, WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!
Being financially secure is nothing more than spending less than you make.
Being politically secure is nothing more than knowing less than you say.
Don’t take seriously anything a woman says when in labor, or what a politician says when before a microphone.
However, grammarians note that what a woman politician in labor before a microphone says should always be taken seriously, due to the double negative. As Nancy Pelosi knows all too well.
Improve your ability to really see something by drawing it.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations Security Council…
… I rest my case.” – Colin Powell, February 5, 2003.
When someone answers, “I don’t care,” ask more questions, because she really does.
You know she really cares. So ask and ask and ask and keep asking! Disrupt her sleep patterns. Show her the waterboard. Do whatever it takes to find out the truth!
(Remember, it isn’t “torture” if you get good information.)
Don’t share your misery. People have enough of their own.
Somewhere, off in the distance, you can hear Rush Limbaugh laughing all the way to the bank.