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Archive for the ‘Etiquette’ Category

November 21

September 10th, 2013 Comments off

Never take more than you need.

And while you're at it, enjoy backpacking across Europe, you free-loving, marijuana-using, Earth shoe-wearing, commie-sympathizing hippy. We'll be over here in America eating steaks and taking showers EVERY DAY.

November 17

July 15th, 2013 Comments off

Should good fortune visit you, never ask why.

Should Wheel of Fortune visit you, never ask for a vowel.

November 12

December 7th, 2012 Comments off

Be prudent in your promises and prompt in carrying them out.

“I promise to post a joke for this calendar entry right now!” – Ed Pierce, November 12, 2008

October 27

June 3rd, 2012 Comments off

Remember, an insult is remembered twice as long as a compliment.

Because they usually have twice as many words in them.

Categories: Etiquette, Mr. Know-It-All

November 1

June 3rd, 2012 Comments off

When deplaning, thank the captain for a safe and comfortable flight.

“Now you tell me!” —┬áHerve Villechez

October 30

March 24th, 2012 Comments off

You can still be courteous when all else fails.

Especially if “all else” means your brakes. Because nobody likes a rude driver.

October 19

June 24th, 2011 Comments off

Read a biography on Albert Schweitzer.

On his stomach, if he’s lying down. On the top of his head, if he’s seated. Definitely not on his lap. That’s creepy.

October 13

March 13th, 2011 Comments off

We all want to prove how right we are. Sometimes it’s better to prove how much we care.

Care about being right, that is.

October 8

January 1st, 2011 Comments off

Be respectful when asking anyone a question.

E.g., “WTF, Your Highness?”

October 6

December 30th, 2010 Comments off

Should you yawn in someone’s face, you might say, “Oh, I’m very sorry. It must be the medicine I’m taking.”

“Medicine? For what?”

“To calm my nerves and stop me from strangling people I find boring. Now, what were you saying?”

October 1

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

Here’s how to greet drivers of passing pickup trucks in the country: raise your right forefinger off the steering wheel and offer a slight nod of the head.

This signals the other driver that you are a fellow member of the Heehawminati.

September 30

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.

The other eight are:

  • searching through Facebook for old girlfreinds
  • wittily answering Johnny Carson’s questions
  • writing entries in your revenge journal
  • celebrating Thanksgiving
  • planning investment strategies for your future lottery winnings
  • spellchecking your Craigslist response
  • celebrating your birthday
  • Wii Fit

August 20

May 26th, 2010 Comments off

Smile and wave at neighbors, even those who never wave back.

That way, they’ll be more believable character witnesses for you.

August 19

May 26th, 2010 Comments off

When you’re using the bathroom, lock the door.

How did he know I hadn’t… My God, these instructions are coming FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!