Never take more than you need.
And while you're at it, enjoy backpacking across Europe, you free-loving, marijuana-using, Earth shoe-wearing, commie-sympathizing hippy. We'll be over here in America eating steaks and taking showers EVERY DAY.
Should good fortune visit you, never ask why.
Should Wheel of Fortune visit you, never ask for a vowel.
Be prudent in your promises and prompt in carrying them out.
“I promise to post a joke for this calendar entry right now!” – Ed Pierce, November 12, 2008
Remember, an insult is remembered twice as long as a compliment.
Because they usually have twice as many words in them.
When deplaning, thank the captain for a safe and comfortable flight.
“Now you tell me!” — Herve Villechez
You can still be courteous when all else fails.
Especially if “all else” means your brakes. Because nobody likes a rude driver.
Read a biography on Albert Schweitzer.
On his stomach, if he’s lying down. On the top of his head, if he’s seated. Definitely not on his lap. That’s creepy.
We all want to prove how right we are. Sometimes it’s better to prove how much we care.
Care about being right, that is.
Be respectful when asking anyone a question.
E.g., “WTF, Your Highness?”
Should you yawn in someone’s face, you might say, “Oh, I’m very sorry. It must be the medicine I’m taking.”
“Medicine? For what?”
“To calm my nerves and stop me from strangling people I find boring. Now, what were you saying?”
Here’s how to greet drivers of passing pickup trucks in the country: raise your right forefinger off the steering wheel and offer a slight nod of the head.
This signals the other driver that you are a fellow member of the Heehawminati.
There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.
The other eight are:
Smile and wave at neighbors, even those who never wave back.
That way, they’ll be more believable character witnesses for you.
When you’re using the bathroom, lock the door.
How did he know I hadn’t… My God, these instructions are coming FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!