Li'l Cal

October 30

epicdeer — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 18:52:54 +0000

You can still be courteous when all else fails.

Especially if “all else” means your brakes. Because nobody likes a rude driver.

October 29

epicdeer — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 21:37:17 +0000

Don’t be critical of beginners.

At least it’s better than Midnight in Paris.

October 25

epicdeer — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 19:21:00 +0000

Become knowledgeable about antiques, oriental rugs, and contemporary art.

That way, when people see you eating out of a dumpster, you can slay them with irony.

October 24

epicdeer — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 19:20:31 +0000

When at a traffic signal, hold in your stomach for the length of the red light. This strengthens stomach muscles.

Don’t worry. The honking of the people behind you will revive you when you pass out.

October 23

epicdeer — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 18:20:39 +0000

For emergencies, place matches, candles, and flashlights in several rooms of your home.

Because, as the old saying tells us, “Batten down the hatches; Zombies hate the matches.”

October 22

epicdeer — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 17:29:14 +0000

Occasionally be silly, but never with money.

Only be silly when you’re broke.

October 21

epicdeer — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 17:28:53 +0000

Life is a term paper. Don’t wait until the last minute to get started.

Or, as Tom Cochrane put it:

“Life is a term paper…

I wanna write it all night long.”

October 20

epicdeer — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 17:28:19 +0000

Take good care of today. It’s the tomorrow you longed for yesterday.

Unless you’re a time-traveller. In that case, WHY DID KENNEDY STILL GET SHOT?!

October 19

epicdeer — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:21:21 +0000

Read a biography on Albert Schweitzer.

On his stomach, if he’s lying down. On the top of his head, if he’s seated. Definitely not on his lap. That’s creepy.

October 18

epicdeer — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 01:41:37 +0000

Ask someone to pick up your mail and daily paper when you’re out of town. Those are the first two things potential burglars look for.

Because there’s nothing thieves covet more than the Tribune and Lands’ End catalogs.

October 17

epicdeer — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 01:36:25 +0000

Once in a while pick up an unfamiliar magazine, thumb through it, and read the “letter from the editor.”

In other words, start living!

October 16

epicdeer — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 01:35:45 +0000

A snake will bite you even if you buy it ice cream.

Because HOW’S IT SUPPOSED TO HOLD THE CONE, YOU IDIOT?!

October 15

epicdeer — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 15:17:30 +0000

No matter how many times you’ve been around the barn, there’s a chance you’ll step in something today that wasn’t there yesterday.

We’re talking about sex here, right?

October 14

epicdeer — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 15:17:01 +0000

Don’t allow your children under the age of eighteen to drive a car after midnight.

Or it will turn into a pumpkin.