Archive

Archive for January, 2009

January 25

January 27th, 2009 Comments off

Replace the batteries in smoke alarms every January 1st.

And that’s how the legend of Johnny Double-A-Battery-Seed was born.

Categories: Father Knows Best

January 24

January 27th, 2009 Comments off

The time to leave a party is always five minutes before your host wants you to.

In other words, stay home.

January 23

January 26th, 2009 Comments off

Out of the blue, ask someone their favorite flavor of Life Savers.

Just don’t let them see the captive bolt pistol in your left hand.

Categories: Food, Mr. Know-It-All

January 22

January 22nd, 2009 Comments off

A dark suit and a dark tie is the acceptable attire when attending a funeral.

Unless it’s the funeral for Steve Jobs. Then black turtlenecks will also be accepted.

January 21

January 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Never take seriously anything written by a wine critic.

Or a whiny critic, like Michael Medved.

Categories: Food, Mr. Know-It-All, The Arts

January 20

January 21st, 2009 Comments off

Pay attention. Life sometimes gives you only one chance to see the material before it gives you the test.

Plus, Life won’t provide you with a No. 2 pencil. And Life REEKS every time it comes back from the teachers’ lounge.

Categories: Father Knows Best

January 19

January 21st, 2009 Comments off

Any woman who drives a tractor is someone to call in an emergency.

Because she’ll nurse you back to health AND do all your work for you while you’re sick. AND bring home the bacon. AND fry it up in a pan. I’d like to see a man tractor driver do THAT!

January 18

January 21st, 2009 Comments off

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Nobody said getting into the mile high club would be easy.

Categories: Father Knows Best

January 17

January 21st, 2009 Comments off

So what if some of the crayons are missing; use the ones still in the box. Maybe the world needs a purple horse.

Hm. Some of the crayons are missing alright.

January 16

January 21st, 2009 Comments off

Never admit to anyone that you’ve run out of money.

Sincerely yours,
Bernard Madoff

Categories: Finance, Mr. Know-It-All

January 15

January 19th, 2009 Comments off

Add Garrison Keillor’s Good Poems to your home library.

Avoid adding his Poems I Cranked Out Mostly In the Bathroom.
Unless that’s where you read your poetry, of course.

Categories: Father Knows Best

January 14

January 19th, 2009 Comments off

When leaving a restroom, open the door with the paper towel you used to dry your hands.

Then get back to running RKO and TWA.

January 13

January 17th, 2009 Comments off

At the next committee meeting, give everyone a Tootsie-Roll Pop.

Say, “Some of you are suckers, some are lickers, and those of you with a star on the wrapper are fired.”

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

January 12

January 16th, 2009 Comments off

Never be too busy to pray.

Yeah, boss. Sorry, I didn’t get that report done for you. I don’t know what happened – I spent all day praying about it, and still no report! I tell you what; I’m going to church on Sunday. I’ll get my minister involved on this, too, and I’m sure it’ll be here waiting for us Monday morning. How does that sound? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a few more prayers to get to before I head out.