Li’l Cal

Replace the batteries in smoke alarms every January 1st.

And that’s how the legend of Johnny Double-A-Battery-Seed was born.

The time to leave a party is always five minutes before your host wants you to.

In other words, stay home.

Out of the blue, ask someone their favorite flavor of Life Savers.

Just don’t let them see the captive bolt pistol in your left hand.

A dark suit and a dark tie is the acceptable attire when attending a funeral.

Unless it’s the funeral for Steve Jobs. Then black turtlenecks will also be accepted.

Never take seriously anything written by a wine critic.

Or a whiny critic, like Michael Medved.

Pay attention. Life sometimes gives you only one chance to see the material before it gives you the test.

Plus, Life won’t provide you with a No. 2 pencil. And Life REEKS every time it comes back from the teachers’ lounge.

Any woman who drives a tractor is someone to call in an emergency.

Because she’ll nurse you back to health AND do all your work for you while you’re sick. AND bring home the bacon. AND fry it up in a pan. I’d like to see a man tractor driver do THAT!

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Nobody said getting into the mile high club would be easy.

So what if some of the crayons are missing; use the ones still in the box. Maybe the world needs a purple horse.

Hm. Some of the crayons are missing alright.

Never admit to anyone that you’ve run out of money.

Sincerely yours,
Bernard Madoff

Add Garrison Keillor’s Good Poems to your home library.

Avoid adding his Poems I Cranked Out Mostly In the Bathroom.
Unless that’s where you read your poetry, of course.

When leaving a restroom, open the door with the paper towel you used to dry your hands.

Then get back to running RKO and TWA.

At the next committee meeting, give everyone a Tootsie-Roll Pop.

Say, “Some of you are suckers, some are lickers, and those of you with a star on the wrapper are fired.”

Never be too busy to pray.

Yeah, boss. Sorry, I didn’t get that report done for you. I don’t know what happened – I spent all day praying about it, and still no report! I tell you what; I’m going to church on Sunday. I’ll get my minister involved on this, too, and I’m sure it’ll be here waiting for us Monday morning. How does that sound? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a few more prayers to get to before I head out.