Don’t let anyone ever see you tipsy.
It’s much better to do all your drinking by yourself. Down in the basement. Hiding behind the washer. With a flashlight.
Money as your sole motivation is like a sack with a hole in the bottom.
Because it only holds big stuff and lets all the little, unimportant things fall out.
Wait… what?
Be content with your age. Be accepting of your physical imperfections. Get on with your life.
Thank you, Joan Rivers.
When someone asks what you think he should do, ask, “What do you think you should do?”
After that helpful response on your part, you’ll be amazed at how many people think they should “punch you in the face.”
Never awaken a dog chasing rabbits in her sleep. It’s the most fun she’s had all day.
In other words, even your dog has more fun being asleep than spending time with you.
What can you do? What do you know that no one else does? Build your future on that.
See? It’s just that simple…
…
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WHY AREN’T YOU SUCCESSFUL YET?!
Be stingy with criticism. Few people want to hear it or benefit from it.
And be sure to check back here tomorrow. I got plenty more where that came from.
Listen to your critics. They will keep you focused and innovative.
Focused and innovative in plotting your revenge, that is.
Should you get lucky with money, save most of it. Then you won’t have to rely on luck again.
Similar advice goes for Marisa Tomei — because you’re not going to get lucky with her more than once.
Yes, I said Marisa Tomei! She’s an OSCAR winner, for cying out loud!
Accept that once or twice you’ll have to hold your nose, close your eyes, and jump off life’s high board.
Whew, that’s a relief! I thought it was going to be “and sleep with Donald Trump.”
If you’re bored, plant a garden. It will keep you busy for the next eight months.
Or just go ahead and get pregnant.
Forget the flowers, forget the brownies; bake someone a pineapple upside-down cake.
You want to really impress them? Forget the pineapple and bake them a cake upside-down. Like a bat would.
As soon as visitors enter your home, turn off the TV and give them your full attention.
Visitor: Dude, I thought this was a Super Bowl party. Why’s the TV off?
You: Oh, never mind that. Tell me about your childhood.
Never buy health products advertised on an infomercial.
Before you start to panic — Snuggies don’t count.