Archive for March, 2009

March 24

March 30th, 2009 Comments off

Never place food on a hotel bedspread. They are cleaned infrequently.

Well there goes my traditional “meatloaf with mashed potatoes and hold the plates” room service order.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food, Travel

March 23

March 30th, 2009 Comments off

Always read coffee mugs, wall posters, and T-shirts with advice printed on them. You never know where a pearl of wisdom might be hiding.

In fact, I’ll never forget the time the World’s Greatest Grandpa told me to “hang in there.” Of course, he was with Stupid at the time.

March 22

March 30th, 2009 Comments off

Read bulletin boards at the grocery store, college bookstore, and coin laundry. You will find all sorts of interesting things there.

Except a life.

March 21

March 30th, 2009 Comments off

When visiting parents and in-laws, dress respectfully.

Sure, they may initially be uncomfortable with the sight of you dressing in front of them, but when your in-laws see you’re doing it respectfully…

Categories: Fashion, Father Knows Best

March 20

March 30th, 2009 Comments off

Help a kid build a tree house.

And make sure that that kid knows he owes you.

Categories: Etiquette, Mr. Know-It-All

March 19

March 20th, 2009 Comments off

Early in the morning, let someone go ahead of you; it will make your day.

Early in the morning?

Well, if crossing your legs to hold it in then rushing headfirst into a giant stink cloud “makes your day,” then you’re better than I am. Or something.

March 18

March 18th, 2009 Comments off

When someone advises, “Just be yourself,” remember the situation might require more.

That is why you should always have a pan flute in your pocket. Just in case.

March 17

March 18th, 2009 Comments off

Never discuss past romantic relationships with anyone.

Except your veterinarian, of course.

March 16

March 18th, 2009 Comments off

Bad teeth and lack of courtesy are two things people will remember about you. You can do something about both.

Unless you were born into the British royal family. Then you’re fucked.

Categories: Father Knows Best

March 15

March 15th, 2009 Comments off

Get your next pet from the animal shelter.

They love petting people there.

March 14

March 15th, 2009 Comments off

Be ten minutes early rather than one minute late.

Sorry, I meant to post this yesterday. Now… what were we talking about?

March 13

March 13th, 2009 Comments off

Respect the talent needed to be a carpenter.

“Damn straight.”
– Harrison Ford and Jesus
  Celebrity Co-Chairs, National Association of Carpenters

March 12

March 12th, 2009 Comments off

Always prepare more soup and bake more cookies than you need. Share them.

Damn it—SHARE THEM!!

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food

March 11

March 12th, 2009 Comments off

When traveling, place your wallet, keys, and glasses on the bedside table in case of an emergency, or should you need to leave the room quickly.

Or, for extra security and efficiency, shove all your valuables in your underpants… and then never take them off.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Travel