Never place food on a hotel bedspread. They are cleaned infrequently.
Well there goes my traditional “meatloaf with mashed potatoes and hold the plates” room service order.
Always read coffee mugs, wall posters, and T-shirts with advice printed on them. You never know where a pearl of wisdom might be hiding.
In fact, I’ll never forget the time the World’s Greatest Grandpa told me to “hang in there.” Of course, he was with Stupid at the time.
Read bulletin boards at the grocery store, college bookstore, and coin laundry. You will find all sorts of interesting things there.
Except a life.
When visiting parents and in-laws, dress respectfully.
Sure, they may initially be uncomfortable with the sight of you dressing in front of them, but when your in-laws see you’re doing it respectfully…
Help a kid build a tree house.
And make sure that that kid knows he owes you.
Early in the morning, let someone go ahead of you; it will make your day.
Early in the morning?
Well, if crossing your legs to hold it in then rushing headfirst into a giant stink cloud “makes your day,” then you’re better than I am. Or something.
When someone advises, “Just be yourself,” remember the situation might require more.
That is why you should always have a pan flute in your pocket. Just in case.
Never discuss past romantic relationships with anyone.
Except your veterinarian, of course.
Bad teeth and lack of courtesy are two things people will remember about you. You can do something about both.
Unless you were born into the British royal family. Then you’re fucked.
Get your next pet from the animal shelter.
They love petting people there.
Be ten minutes early rather than one minute late.
Sorry, I meant to post this yesterday. Now… what were we talking about?
Respect the talent needed to be a carpenter.
“Damn straight.”
– Harrison Ford and Jesus
  Celebrity Co-Chairs, National Association of Carpenters
Always prepare more soup and bake more cookies than you need. Share them.
Damn it—SHARE THEM!!
When traveling, place your wallet, keys, and glasses on the bedside table in case of an emergency, or should you need to leave the room quickly.
Or, for extra security and efficiency, shove all your valuables in your underpants… and then never take them off.