Li’l Cal

Never insult a mule while hitching him up.

Because, in that position, he might be able to reach your gun.

Never hire as your business partner someone who carries golf clubs in his car trunk.

Because country clubs frown on people driving their cars around the course. Or don’t they teach you that in “business” school?

In your posture there is power.

Then why are you all hunched over, Yoda?

Don’t reward a mediocre performance. Very few performances deserve a standing ovation.

Yes, I agree that it’s quite ironic—advice like this coming from a blog of such consistently outstanding quality. And, I thank you for that comment.

When you want to know about war, put down the book and talk to a soldier.

When you want to know about words, put down the dictionary and talk to Noah Webster. Or his wife, Merriam.

Never buy anything with a motor from a man smoking a hand-rolled cigarette.

You respond: The sixth lamb bleats only on Tuesdays when the moon is full.

Never ask an accountant, lawyer, or doctor professional questions in a social setting.

Because you will always—ALWAYS—get billed for it.

Don’t treat children as adults. They haven’t earned that privilege.

First, they earn enough to pay you back for the costs of smuggling them into this country and housing and feeding them, THEN they earn the privilege of being treated like adults. After an additional 5 years, that is.

Remember, there are few things more powerful than the right word spoken at the right time.

Like when Auntie Em said, “Tornado!” and the whole house started flying. Powerful!

You never lose brain cells by listening.

That’s why teenagers with iPods plugged in their ears all the time are THE SMARTEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

Take photographs of simple, ordinary things. In fifty years they won’t be considered ordinary.

But they will still be considered boring.

At a party, don’t sit next to the bowl of mixed nuts.

They’re party poopers. Literally.

Remember, everything gains weight and gets bigger when carried up a ladder.

Einstein’s Theory of Ladderivity.

To explain a romantic break-up, don’t cast blame. Simply say, “It was all my fault.”

“I practically MADE you sleep with those other guys.”