Archive

Archive for June, 2009

May 13

June 30th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t stop too soon. Just one more stroke is what fells the tree.

Whoops. I forgot to mention that this instruction is NSFW. Sorry about that.

May 12

June 28th, 2009 Comments off

Know when to say, “Let me get back to you on that.”

And when will you teach me when to say, “Let me get back to you on that?”

(self-recursive silence)

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

May 11

June 28th, 2009 Comments off

Get to know your neighbors.

Use caution if they sing songs about you “grow[ing] twelve inches today.”

Categories: Father Knows Best

May 10

June 20th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t cut corners.

[Insert joke here.]

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

May 9

June 20th, 2009 Comments off

Regardless of your age, listen to your mother.

I listened to your mother last night, and that’s how I ended up in this padlocked dog collar.

May 8

June 20th, 2009 Comments off

Remember, lawyers seldom say, “Forget it. You don’t have a good case.”

That’s why I get all my legal advice from EX-lawyers. You know, bartenders and TV producers.

Categories: Father Knows Best, The Law

May 7

June 19th, 2009 Comments off

Sunday is Mother’s Day. Remember your mom in a special way.

Well that’s just gross.

Categories: Father Knows Best

May 6

June 14th, 2009 Comments off

Remember, when you beat an enemy, you still have an enemy.

But when an enemy beats you, you have a friend for life.

May 5

June 14th, 2009 Comments off

When interviewed, be a dripping faucet. not a fire hose.

Unless you’re being interviewed for an adult film role.

May 4

June 14th, 2009 Comments off

Make no promises and offer no compliments after two glasses of wine.

In fact, be surly and uncooperative. In time, there won’t be anyone around to compliment or make promises to. Win win.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food

May 3

June 14th, 2009 Comments off

When you are a dinner guest at a restaurant, don’t order anything more expensive than your host.

The trick is figuring out how expensive your host really is.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food

May 2

June 14th, 2009 Comments off

Cut yourself some slack. You don’t have to master everything you try. Sometimes just enjoying the experience is payment enough.

From the introduction of George W. Bush’s memoir, Eight and Out.

May 1

June 14th, 2009 Comments off

When all else fails, order pizza.

Like Eva said in the bunker, “Hold that thought, Adolph. The Domino’s guy’s here.”

April 30

June 14th, 2009 Comments off

If you’re asked to make the hard decisions, it’s because you’re considered the leader.

Or the most expendable.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work