Improve your ability to really see something by drawing it.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations Security Council…
… I rest my case.” – Colin Powell, February 5, 2003.
Don’t choose a doctor who smokes or needs to be on a diet.
Because when you’re naked, who wants a smelly fat guy looking them over?
Wait.
Don’t tell that one to my wife.
When traveling, don’t leave behind personal mail or magazines that have your name and address.
“Darling, do you remember that week we spent in Paris?”
“How could I forget? I paid some of our loveliest bills from there.”
Don’t expect to play on Saturday if you haven’t practiced during the week.
Funny; my wife tells me the same thing.
When someone answers, “I don’t care,” ask more questions, because she really does.
You know she really cares. So ask and ask and ask and keep asking! Disrupt her sleep patterns. Show her the waterboard. Do whatever it takes to find out the truth!
(Remember, it isn’t “torture” if you get good information.)
Don’t die with dessert still in the fridge.
“Gah! My heart! Quick – get me the cannoli!”
When you see your kids playing in the sprinkler, join them.
That’ll put an end to it.
If a kid tells you he is going to throw up, believe it.
Because studies show that, indeed, someday he will.
When visiting an unfamiliar city, carry the hotel’s business card with you in case you get lost or forget the location.
That way, the guy who pickpockets you will know where to go to get the rest of your stuff.
Marry someone who loves to vacuum. That person has many other fine qualities, too.
Which will make it tough when The Bachelorette has to choose between James Dyson and David Oreck.
Dress a little better than your clients but not as well as your boss.
The phenomenon in which your clients dress better than your boss is called “Armani’s Paradox.” (See Efron, B. (1990). More efficient stitching computations. J. Amer. Statist. Assoc.)
Travel with your own pillows.
And get your hands off mine.
When driving your children and their friends to school activities, listen carefully to their conversation.
As their parent/friend’s parent, they will not suspect you. Report your findings via the traditional channels. Replace batteries in your mini-van/crossover’s microphones as needed.
Resist anything described as quaint.
Or quixotic. Or quazy.