Archive

Archive for July, 2009

May 27

July 12th, 2009 Comments off

It’s best not to admit to being nervous. If it’s not obvious, why mention it; if it’s obvious, why confirm it?

If someone calls you out on it, play dumb. “Hm? What flop sweat, pee stain and pile of barf?”

Categories: Father Knows Best

May 26

July 12th, 2009 Comments off

When trying out a new restaurant, visit the restroom first. It will tell you all you need to know.

Like what the daily special is.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food

May 25

July 12th, 2009 Comments off

Each minute of procrastination robs you of a minute of accomplishment.

Let me get back to you on that.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

May 24

July 10th, 2009 Comments off

At the end of your days, be leaning forward; not falling backward.

Because the trip to Hell is a lot more interesting if you can see where you’re going.

May 23

July 10th, 2009 Comments off

A first impression can last a lifetime.

Especially if it’s of Jimmy Stewart.

May 22

July 10th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t share your misery. People have enough of their own.

Somewhere, off in the distance, you can hear Rush Limbaugh laughing all the way to the bank.

May 21

July 8th, 2009 Comments off

No couple ever made a mistake by extending their engagement by three months.

“Do you, Beatrice, take Frederick to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Let me get back to you on that.”

May 20

July 6th, 2009 Comments off

When you are in trouble, a true friend calls you.

Especially if that true friend is Kreskin.

May 19

July 6th, 2009 Comments off

Young people foolish with their money rarely change their ways.

Or their underwear.

I mean, not buying clean underwear is pretty foolish, you have to admit.

May 18

July 2nd, 2009 Comments off

When criticizing or complimenting, be sincere, be specific, and be brief.

I find “You suck!” works well.

Categories: Mr. Know-It-All

May 17

July 2nd, 2009 Comments off

Take off the convention badge as soon as you leave the convention hall.

Because you don’t want the hookers in the hotel bar to know your real name.

May 16

July 1st, 2009 Comments off

When faced with a dozen problems, start and finish the toughest one first.

That’ll give the easier ones time to grow and toughen up.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

May 15

July 1st, 2009 Comments off

Know a place to get a good breakfast where the waitresses call you “hon.”

Because that’s the closest you’ll get to having a girlfriend.

May 14

July 1st, 2009 Comments off

In a happy gathering, don’t be the one who tells a sad tale.

For a snappy lathering, don’t be the one who smells a tad stale.