Archive for October, 2009

July 4

October 27th, 2009 Comments off

Fly Old Glory today with a heightened sense of pride and love of liberty.

As opposed to your usual way of flying it — with your heightened sense of smug irony, you socialism-loving elitist. AND WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE, WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!

July 3

October 26th, 2009 Comments off

Remember the birthday of anyone who’s helped you move.

It’s March 10th.

July 2

October 26th, 2009 Comments off

Improve yourself, and you improve everyone around you.

Especially if improving yourself means going outside and getting some exercise. Or just going outside. Or just leaving the room.

Categories: Father Knows Best

July 1

October 25th, 2009 Comments off

When asking someone to be a reference, ask by phone or in person , not by e-mail.

Because, let’s face it, e-mail from you never makes it past the spam filter.

June 30

October 14th, 2009 Comments off

Never try to out-trade a man wearing bib overalls and highly polished shoes.

Because he obviously traded his suit for those overalls, so he’s a pro, all right.

June 29

October 14th, 2009 Comments off

Take not the third drink, nor the third donut.

Otherwise, the staff meeting will just get ugly.

Categories: Food, Work

June 28

October 14th, 2009 Comments off

Go through all your old photographs. Select ten and tape them to your kitchen cabinets. Change them every thirty days.

That way, every time you go to get something to eat, you’ll be reminded of how thin you used to be.

June 27

October 13th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t build a new home or remodel an old one by long distance. Like a marriage, this demands daily involvement every step of the way.

And change up the times you show up each day. That way, if your contractor’s cheating on you, and they all do, you can catch the lying whore in the act! That’s right! No good cheaters — ALL OF THEM!

June 26

October 13th, 2009 Comments off

After college, read only books you like. Should you find yourself reading one you don’t enjoy, skip to the last page and be done with it.

You got it.

December 31: Tonight, put a chocolate…

Okay. I’ll keep going.

June 25

October 13th, 2009 Comments off

No one ever went broke taking a profit, regardless of how small.

Unless they took it to Vegas.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Finance