Archive

Archive for December, 2009

August 8

December 29th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t disappoint your talents.

Stop disappointing your parents.

August 7

December 29th, 2009 Comments off

Love to read books; you’ll have agreeable companions for life.

And all the sex you can imagine.

August 6

December 28th, 2009 Comments off

Don’t own a boat. Have a friend who owns a boat.

And steal it.

August 5

December 28th, 2009 Comments off

Remember, when you have an argument with someone you love, you can always get in the last word by being the first to say, “I’m sorry.”

Unless, it’s an argument about how you always say, “I’m sorry.” Which it should be.

August 4

December 27th, 2009 Comments off

Never hand evil a microphone.

Because the cord will yank him off the bike when he tries to jump the Snake River Canyon.

August 3

December 27th, 2009 Comments off

If you have to choose cheap, don’t choose cheap and ugly.

Yes, be sure to get that cheap, pretty stuff we’re always hearing about.

August 2

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Before buying a house or renting an apartment, check the water pressure by turning on the faucets and the shower and then flushing the toilet.

Check for ghosts by inviting over Scooby-Do and the rest of the Mystery Machine gang. Those meddling kids sure know how to “flush” out spirits!

August 1

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Never leave early from a wedding, funeral, or an appreciation dinner.

Or you’ll miss the good stuff. And I’m talking about booze.

July 31

December 23rd, 2009 Comments off

Sit whenever you can. There are many lines left to stand in.

And there are no chairs in Hell.

July 30

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Be the first to greet new neighbors. Take them something delicious.

For example, the old neighbors.

July 29

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Don’t try to out-trade a man who squats on his heels when he talks to you.

Because you don’t want to conduct a business transaction with a man while he’s going to the bathroom.

July 28

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Tonight, put a chocolate mint on your loved one’s pillow.

Tomorrow, lovingly cut it out of her hair.

July 27

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

On May 9, 1754, the first American newspaper cartoon was published. The illustration in Benjamin Franklin’s “Pennsylvania Gazette” showed a snake cut into sections, each part representing an American colony. The caption read, “Join or die.”

What a hoot! Bil Keane must have had a hand in that one.

July 26

December 22nd, 2009 Comments off

Don’t jaywalk.

Moonwalk.

You know, in tribute.