Li’l Cal

Don’t disappoint your talents.

Stop disappointing your parents.

Love to read books; you’ll have agreeable companions for life.

And all the sex you can imagine.

Don’t own a boat. Have a friend who owns a boat.

And steal it.

Remember, when you have an argument with someone you love, you can always get in the last word by being the first to say, “I’m sorry.”

Unless, it’s an argument about how you always say, “I’m sorry.” Which it should be.

Never hand evil a microphone.

Because the cord will yank him off the bike when he tries to jump the Snake River Canyon.

If you have to choose cheap, don’t choose cheap and ugly.

Yes, be sure to get that cheap, pretty stuff we’re always hearing about.

Before buying a house or renting an apartment, check the water pressure by turning on the faucets and the shower and then flushing the toilet.

Check for ghosts by inviting over Scooby-Do and the rest of the Mystery Machine gang. Those meddling kids sure know how to “flush” out spirits!

Never leave early from a wedding, funeral, or an appreciation dinner.

Or you’ll miss the good stuff. And I’m talking about booze.

Sit whenever you can. There are many lines left to stand in.

And there are no chairs in Hell.

Be the first to greet new neighbors. Take them something delicious.

For example, the old neighbors.

Don’t try to out-trade a man who squats on his heels when he talks to you.

Because you don’t want to conduct a business transaction with a man while he’s going to the bathroom.

Tonight, put a chocolate mint on your loved one’s pillow.

Tomorrow, lovingly cut it out of her hair.

On May 9, 1754, the first American newspaper cartoon was published. The illustration in Benjamin Franklin’s “Pennsylvania Gazette” showed a snake cut into sections, each part representing an American colony. The caption read, “Join or die.”

What a hoot! Bil Keane must have had a hand in that one.

Don’t jaywalk.

Moonwalk.

You know, in tribute.