Li’l Cal

No need to strain yourself. Just one great idea a year is all that’s necessary.

No, “growing a soul patch” doesn’t count.

Keep talking about yourself, and those around you will develop hearing problems.

Giving you the opportunity to speak more loudly about yourself. Win/win.

Smile and wave at neighbors, even those who never wave back.

That way, they’ll be more believable character witnesses for you.

When you’re using the bathroom, lock the door.

How did he know I hadn’t… My God, these instructions are coming FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

Come to a full stop at stop signs. Disregard this simple law, and it becomes easier to disobey important ones.

Who can forget that opening scene in Goodfellas, where a 16-year-old Henry Hill fails to come to a complete stop at an intersection? Not me. Chilling.

Avoid any couple that argues and disagrees with each other in public.

Unless they’re Abbott & Costello. And it’s 65 years ago.

If you’re looking for a break, remember, good luck gets up at sunrise.

That’s why milkmen are the luckiest people in the world, as proven in a number of adult videos.