Should you yawn in someone’s face, you might say, “Oh, I’m very sorry. It must be the medicine I’m taking.”
“Medicine? For what?”
“To calm my nerves and stop me from strangling people I find boring. Now, what were you saying?”
Be honest. It’s one of the few things in life you can control.
And, since you’re being so honest, you might as well cross ear hair off that list.
Every spring set out a couple of tomato plants.
After all, the summer theatre season is right around the corner.
Get rid of gum before an interview.
By blowing up the Juicy Fruit factory.
If you can’t find a job you like, at least work for someone you like.
Like, the nice pimp.
Here’s how to greet drivers of passing pickup trucks in the country: raise your right forefinger off the steering wheel and offer a slight nod of the head.
This signals the other driver that you are a fellow member of the Heehawminati.
There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.
The other eight are:
You are not what you wear. You are not what you sell. You are not what you drive. You are not where you live. You are what you strive to be.
So, I strive to be a guy in Hugo Boss who drives the Batmobile from his home on Lake Como to his job selling Dyson Air Multiplierâ„¢ bladeless fans.
This is the question to ask that makes anyone smile: “Would you like a bowl of homemade peach ice cream?”
This is the question to follow it up with: “You got any?”
Never buy property on Swearing Hill Road.
Because it’s really hard to get up it. You see? Swearing Hill. Get it?
Plus it’s on fire. And haunted.
If you’re a stranger, don’t let darkness catch you in unfamiliar rural mountains.
And, whatever you do, don’t get in any banjo duels.
Don’t hurry trouble. There’s plenty for everyone.
Another reason to not hurry is that you don’t want to accidently break the Pop-O-Matic bubble.
Never call someone a coward. She could go to extreme measures to prove you wrong.
Like running for Vice President. Or President, for that matter.
No one glides easily into excellence. It’s always a struggle.
But that’s what K-Y’s for.