Archive for December, 2010

October 6

December 30th, 2010 Comments off

Should you yawn in someone’s face, you might say, “Oh, I’m very sorry. It must be the medicine I’m taking.”

“Medicine? For what?”

“To calm my nerves and stop me from strangling people I find boring. Now, what were you saying?”

October 5

December 29th, 2010 Comments off

Be honest. It’s one of the few things in life you can control.

And, since you’re being so honest, you might as well cross ear hair off that list.

Categories: Father Knows Best

October 4

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

Every spring set out a couple of tomato plants.

After all, the summer theatre season is right around the corner.

October 3

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

Get rid of gum before an interview.

By blowing up the Juicy Fruit factory.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food, Work

October 2

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

If you can’t find a job you like, at least work for someone you like.

Like, the nice pimp.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work

October 1

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

Here’s how to greet drivers of passing pickup trucks in the country: raise your right forefinger off the steering wheel and offer a slight nod of the head.

This signals the other driver that you are a fellow member of the Heehawminati.

September 30

December 27th, 2010 Comments off

There are ten things you do in private; two of which are cutting your toenails and using a toothpick.

The other eight are:

  • searching through Facebook for old girlfreinds
  • wittily answering Johnny Carson’s questions
  • writing entries in your revenge journal
  • celebrating Thanksgiving
  • planning investment strategies for your future lottery winnings
  • spellchecking your Craigslist response
  • celebrating your birthday
  • Wii Fit

September 29

December 16th, 2010 Comments off

You are not what you wear. You are not what you sell. You are not what you drive. You are not where you live. You are what you strive to be.

So, I strive to be a guy in Hugo Boss who drives the Batmobile from his home on Lake Como to his job selling Dyson Air Multiplierâ„¢ bladeless fans.

September 28

December 12th, 2010 Comments off

This is the question to ask that makes anyone smile: “Would you like a bowl of homemade peach ice cream?”

This is the question to follow it up with: “You got any?”

Categories: Father Knows Best, Food

September 26

December 3rd, 2010 Comments off

Never buy property on Swearing Hill Road.

Because it’s really hard to get up it. You see? Swearing Hill. Get it?

Plus it’s on fire. And haunted.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Finance

September 25

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

If you’re a stranger, don’t let darkness catch you in unfamiliar rural mountains.

And, whatever you do, don’t get in any banjo duels.

September 24

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

Don’t hurry trouble. There’s plenty for everyone.

Another reason to not hurry is that you don’t want to accidently break the Pop-O-Matic bubble.

September 23

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

Never call someone a coward. She could go to extreme measures to prove you wrong.

Like running for Vice President. Or President, for that matter.

September 22

December 1st, 2010 Comments off

No one glides easily into excellence. It’s always a struggle.

But that’s what K-Y’s for.

Categories: Father Knows Best, Work