Archive for September, 2011

October 25

September 10th, 2011 Comments off

Become knowledgeable about antiques, oriental rugs, and contemporary art.

That way, when people see you eating out of a dumpster, you can slay them with irony.

October 24

September 10th, 2011 Comments off

When at a traffic signal, hold in your stomach for the length of the red light. This strengthens stomach muscles.

Don’t worry. The honking of the people behind you will revive you when you pass out.

October 23

September 10th, 2011 Comments off

For emergencies, place matches, candles, and flashlights in several rooms of your home.

Because, as the old saying tells us, “Batten down the hatches; Zombies hate the matches.”