Li’l Cal

A compliment is the easiest and most appreciated form of communication.

But semaphore is still the bitchin’est.

Words are sometimes inadequate. The deepest sentiments are expressed with the eyes.

Can you see my eyes right now? They’re rolling.

Choose carefully the company you hire to move you— whether across town or across country. Get recommendations from real estate brokers and friends who’ve recently moved. Never accept a quote over the phone. Have one of their representatives visit your home and discuss the move.

Sounds like somebody hired a bad mover

Instead of asking young people what they someday want to do, ask them who they presently admire.

Be sure to have Wikipedia pre-loaded on your phone, though, because you’ll need to look up whoever it is they say.

Never regret money spent on old books, old dogs, and old friends.

Be extremely stingy with new friends and puppies, though.

And, come on, stop buying books.

Don’t waste time currying favor with those you don’t respect.

But, then who will ever be on Celebrity Apprentice?

Be praised for your integrity; be respected for your courage.

Be feared for your laser-emitting eyeballs.

You can still be courteous when all else fails.

Especially if "all else" means your brakes. Because nobody likes a rude driver.

Don’t go where you don’t want to be found.

Unless you don’t want to be found. Then go there. And take D. B. Cooper his mail. It’s piling up.

Never offer two excuses when one will do.

In fact, no one wants to hear the first one, so why are you still talking?

Remember, an insult is remembered twice as long as a compliment.

Because they usually have twice as many words in them.

When deplaning, thank the captain for a safe and comfortable flight.

“Now you tell me!” — Herve Villechez

It’s difficult to take advantage of an honest man.

Because they’re always broke.

You can still be courteous when all else fails.

Especially if “all else” means your brakes. Because nobody likes a rude driver.