Archive

Archive for the ‘Celebrities!’ Category

Who’s profiled in Grant’s Facebook page?

July 21st, 2010 2 comments

My wife and I recently visited Galena, Illinois, site of the Ulysses S. Grant Home.

Later, I posted this photo on facebook:

Eagle Ridge Resort - Galena, IL. The keyboardist was playing "Bohemian Rhapsody."

Brendan Gardiner responded:

The milk in that little general store is extremely expensive. I recommend seeing if you can tolerate water on your Cheerios for the duration of your stay.

I responded:

Brendan, everything in Galena is expensive. Especially the fine for peeing in Grant’s bed. Sic semper tyrannis!

Brendan responded:

The fine is pretty exorbitant when you consider how short a time he actually lived there. They are fiercely proprietary over everything Grant there, though, even the jokes. They can’t let the punch line to “Who peed in Grant’s bed?” widen out to include people like you. The whole brand would lose some cachet.

The joke is on them, though, because it is a Trick Question. Like all such plurium interrogationum, Who peed in Grant’s bed? seems to have an obvious answer – GRANT, owing to the fact that he was a first-class drunk who couldn’t hold his liquor, especially “between the sheets.” But that so-called fact is wrong, as wrong as starting a sentence with the word “but,” for Ulysses S. Grant was as sober as you or I.

Grant’s celebrated alcoholism was actually a carefully planned ruse, crafted by the young lieutenant, as he fought in the Mexican–American War, to lull his enemies into a false sense of security and curiosity. Grant knew that no soldier, not even an enemy soldier, would shoot another soldier, not even an enemy soldier, who was vomit-stained, missing one flipflop, and quietly mumbling himself to sleep, i.e., intoxicated. It would be against The Soldier’s Code, and Grant used that knowledge to turn himself into a human booby trap. As his attacker would draw near to subdue this inebriated, docile rival, Grant would suddenly cry, “Jujitsu!,” throw dirt in the now widened eyes of his erstwhile captor, and then either seize or kill the combatant, whichever was more expedient. If, on the other hand, a company of soldiers advanced on the “drunken” Grant, he would alter his strategy by lobbing a grenade fashioned with a bayonet at them.

This ruse worked astoundingly well, and Grant rose quickly through the ranks, first to lieutenant general and then to President of the United States. Of course, the President of the United States has no enemies and no need for ruses. Not wishing to let his talents lay fallow, Grant ingeniously transformed his “Drunk Subterfuge” into a “Drunk Routine,” which he performed annually at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and at various celebrity roasts to great acclaim. Grant also had a beautiful singing voice.

But this is not why it is a Trick Question. Who peed in Grant’s bed? is a Trick Question because it is not Grant’s bed!

The bed in the Ulysses S. Grant Home is merely a prop, placed there by the U.S. Grant Historical Society, or “Grant’s Gang,” in 1953 to make the strangely empty bedroom more attractive to the large number of visiting moto-tourists that President Eisenhower had produced through sheer stamina. Grant himself never used a bed, preferring to sleep standing upright – sometimes leaning against a wall, arms akimbo, but most often standing in the center of the room, without visible support, arms at his side.

Historians disagree – loudly – on the causes of Grant’s unique sleeping habit. Some argue that all Presidents of the United States sleep standing upright, required to do so by the Constitution. A close reading of the Constitution, however, neither confirms nor refutes this requirement. Other historians yell that outgoing President Andrew Johnson simply told incoming President Grant that the Constitution required the Presidents to sleep standing up, you know, as a joke, and he never thought the crazy fucker would actually do it; not for the rest of his life, anyways.

The majority of historians, though, scream bloody murder that Grant really was a first-class drunk who had hollowed-out tree trunks for legs, which allowed him to drink even more and prevented him from falling over when he regularly passed out.

You are now “in” on the “trick” of this Trick Question. The next time some blowhard in a bar bets you $50 that you can’t answer Who peed in Grant’s bed?, you, in fact, do know how to answer. Draw the bettor closer to you by vomiting on yourself or losing one flipflop. Suddenly cry, “Jujitsu!” then throw your Mojito in his now widened eyes. Swipe his $50 to pay for the Mojito you just wasted, and then either seize or kill the combatant. Whichever is more expedient.

Categories: Celebrities!, Photos Tags:

Just fire Leno

January 13th, 2010 No comments

Categories: Arts, Celebrities! Tags:

Oprah Loves Chicago!

September 20th, 2009 No comments

sc00013ae0

Oprah Winfrey showed her renewed love for Chicago today by letting a huge one rip on Michigan Avenue.

Categories: Celebrities! Tags:

Overheard at Al Franken’s swearing-in ceremony

July 8th, 2009 No comments

Franken Senate

“Welcome back, Senator.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said, welcome back.”

“Um, this is my first time here, Senator.”

“Sure. Since you ran for President.”

“I… I didn’t run for President, sir. I ran for the Senate.”

“Wait. Aren’t you the guy from that TV show?”

“Well-”

“With the cops and the chung-chung.”

“Oh. No, that’s Fred Thompson. I’m Al Franken. From Minnesota.”

“Oh, you’re the wrestler.”

“No. That’s Jesse-”

“The singer? With the mustache and the wife?”

“No, that’s-”

“The basketball player?”

“No.”

“The football coach?”

“No.”

“The guy from The Love Boat?”

“No.”

Dukes of Hazzard?”

“No, Senator. I’m Al Franken. From Saturday Night Live.”

“Oh. Well. I apologize, Al. I really do. My staff told me you were famous.” (exits)

(turns to CSPAN camera) “Live, from Washington, D.C. It’s the U.S. Senate!”

Categories: Celebrities!, My Body Politic Tags:

Seniors Using New Technology!

June 28th, 2009 No comments

TelephoneHarassment

No word on whether Mr. Knackstedt is a relative of Alec Baldwin.

Categories: Celebrities!, News Briefs Tags:

Sunday Supplement Sellebrity for 5/24/09

June 7th, 2009 No comments

Here are some more questions that “readers” sent in to the “Personality Parade®” section of Parade for 5/24/09:

Angelina Jolie is set to star in a movie based on one of Patricia Cornwell’s best-selling mysteries. Will there be a franchise?
 –J.A., Roeland Park, Kan. 

Why don’t we see more of Aidan Quinn?
–Aubrey Jinks, Bullard, Tex.

Will America’s position in the world be affected by the enthusiastic reception the Obamas received throughout Europe?
–Dean Quinlan, Kittery, Maine

Did Jennifer Aniston have any warning that things weren’t working out with John Mayer?
–Shirley Chamberlain, Vero Beach, Fla.

What’s the greatest rock ‘n’ roll song of all time?
–Pat Darbro, Bozeman, Mont. 

Categories: Celebrities! Tags:

Sunday Supplement Sellebrity for 5/10/09

May 17th, 2009 No comments

All three of the Sunday newspaper supplement magazines I receive–American Profile, USA Weekend, and Parade–feature a celebrity gossip column on their first page. These columns are structured as answers to questions that have been sent in by readers.

I have my doubts.

Here are the questions that “readers” sent in for 5/10/09:

What can you tell me about the 1970s singer Lobo? Was he as unlucky in love as many of his songs seem to portray?
 
–Bruce Aman, Menominee, Mich.

I think that the actress who plays cashier Flo on the Progressive Auto Insurance commercials is dynamite. Will we see more of her in the future?
–Maureen Gallaher, Oneonta, N.Y.

What can you tell us about Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, the handsome leading men on the CW’s Supernatural?
–L.K. Richards, Seattle, Wash.

I got hooked on Lost when I bought the first season on DVD. The only thing I don’t like about the show is how many great characters–and actors–have disappeared. 
–Esther Myers, Embarrass, Minn.

 Will actors Sam Elliot, Tom Selleck or Bruce Boxleitner, who have played memorable cowboys, star in a new TV western? No one makes them anymore.
 
–Roy McCallen, Aurora, Colo.

Is the actress who plays Lt. Maria LaGuerta on Showtime’s Dexter the same one who was Tootie in The Facts of Life?
–Nancy Nutile, Perkinsville, Vt.

When House, the character, plays the piano on the Fox medical drama of the same name, it looks as if actor Hugh Laurie is actually playing. Is he a real pianist?
–Dolores Ruhlin, Flagler Beach, Fla.

 I miss the Lindsay Lohan of Freaky Friday and Mean Girls. How can she regain Hollywood’s trust?
–S. Park, Los Angeles, Calif.

What is the tattoo that Bachelor reject turned Dancing With the Stars darling Melissa Rycroft has on her lower back?
–T. Diaz, Miami, Fla.

I read that Jeff Bridges will play the guitar in his new film, Crazy Heart. Can he really play?
–Bill Jackson, Fort Worth, Tex.

Does Adam Richman, who gorges himself as host of the Travel Channel’s  Man v. Food, ever check his cholesterol?
–S. Paul, Hoffman Estates, Ill. 

I heard Mel Gibson was going to star as an ATF agent in Under and Alone. What’s the movie’s status?
–Merwin Sands, Waldorf, Md.

How is Robin Williams recovering from his recent open-heart surgery?
–Dwayne Wilder, Denison, Tex.

I haven’t heard about Debbie Reynolds recently. Has she finally gone into retirement?
–Gail Lebowitz, Atlanta, Ga.

I hear there’s a new Mike Tyson documentary. Why should we care about a prizefighter who threw it all away? 
–Joe Smith, Queens, N.Y. 

Categories: Celebrities! Tags: